Forgiveness And Frustration

I had an interesting conversation today with someone who had visited Angel Falls Baptist Church before once or twice and knows a lot of people there. She also knows Cynthia and I well.

We had a great talk about what "could have happened".

It was all hypothetical. By the way, I hate hypothetical. I could toss hypothetical out the door the second it gets birthed. But we talked about it anyway.

Know why I hate hypothetical? Because it didn't happen. It's not reality. Sure, it could have happened, but it didn't. Deal with reality. Sure, I could have stayed with Angelica, but I didn't. Sure, I could have resisted temptation, but I didn't. I could have seen a real marriage counselor, but I didn't. Sure, I could have healed the eight years of marriage problems that we had, but I didn't. Hypothetical issues and problems are stupid. That's why I can't watch the History Channel. That's why I can't watch programs where they ask, "What if this would have happened." Who cares? It didn't happen. Deal with it. We live with reality.

Anyway, I did deal with hypotheticals tonight. And I did so with grace.

This person who visited Angel Falls asked me several questions had some real points that made some sense to me.

Cynthia could have run off with a plumber or an electrician or a lawyer after she kicked Barry out of the house after he had been unfaithful to her. You know what? The people of Angel Falls probably would have welcomed her back with opened arms after that. They would have understood her plight and seen that he was unfaithful and was being an idiot. They would have seen that he was a moron and was a terrible husband.

But no.

She slept with the pastor.

She was unfaithful with Angelica's husband. The pastor's wife. That was inexcusable. That, to Southern Baptist folk, is the unforgivable sin.

After she did that, she was shunned.

I received the worst of it and I planned it that way. I received their hatred. I wanted it that way. I didn't want her to get it. I wanted all the anger and hatred of the church to be pointed toward me and not toward her. They texted me, Facebooked me, emailed me and Lord knows what else they did to me. I got it all.

She got a bit. What she got was a few texts that asked her to repent of her adultery. That was it.

Where was the forgiveness? If she had committed adultery with the local plumber she would have been welcomed back into the congregation. But no, she had committed adultery with the pastor, she was shunned.

The problem this person I was talking with came to a head because we were talking about Cythia's daugher, Lydia. She had been invited to a local Vacation Bible School - not at Angel Falls Baptist, but somewhere else. She had already been told by the head deacon, Phillip Townsend, that she wasn't welcome back there.

If Cynthia had committed adultery with the local architect, then Lydia would have been fine to come back to VBS at AFBC. But since she had been with me, then she was shunned. All bets were off.

Does this not seem like a double standard? Forgiveness only seems to go so far. It only reaches so far for most people. It reaches out for the average Joe but not for the pastor in the pulpit or for the Hester Prynne who he consummates with.

Should I have been held to a higher standard than the local plumber? Yes. But does that mean that the local church member should forgive me any less? No. Does that mean that the local church member should treat Lydia different? No.

"I've Forgiven Them In My Heart"

I want to write about a statement that really, really bothers me. "I've forgiven 'so and so' in my heart."

I have heard this sentiment over and over for many years. I understand what it means. Usually, it means, "I say I forgive them, but I never really want to tell them I forgive them."

Is this true, biblical forgiveness? Does Jesus ever tell us that we can "forgive someone in our heart" then never tell them that we've forgiven them?

No.

Now, I'll grant that there are times that we need to give forgiveness and that full reconciliation is not going to happen. I get that. That's not what I'm even talking about.

I'm talking about John Churchgoer who doesn't want to be a man and face the person who has wronged him and say, "I forgive you." He doesn't want to accept the apology or repentance of the person who is offering it. He doesn't want to look that person in the eye ever again, as is required by Scripture. He just wants an "out".

So he says, "I forgive him in my heart."

Where did this horrible phrase ever come from? Is this an American church thing? It needs to be preached against. It needs to be spoken out against. It needs to be stricken from our vocabulary.

Forgiveness needs to be real and honest. It doesn't need to be silent. It's either real or not. It's either genuine and seeking toward reconciliation or it's not.

Forgiveness: Who's Saying What?, Part 2

In my last blog, I started an article review about forgiveness and I started with secular ideas about forgiveness. Now I'd like to look at a smattering of articles from Christian writers. Please take the time to read the last blog post before reading this one.

John MacArthur, in a sermon on forgiveness states that it is vital to the Christian life to forgive. His definition is pretty good: Forgiveness is a marvelous thing. Forgiveness is a promise. Forgiveness is a pledge. Forgiveness is a statement of undeserved, unearned love that says no matter what you've done there is no anger, no matter what you've done there is no hatred, no matter what you've done there is no desire for vengeance, no matter what you've done there will never be any retaliation. I pass by that transgression completely. I do not hold you guilty. I do not blame you. I feel no self-pity for myself because I've been offended, rather I pass by that transgression completely and extend my love to you fully. That's forgiveness and that's godlike.

He also remarks something I've been echoing in my own mind: I'll tell you something as a pastor. I grieve deeply over people who carry bitternesses. It is so ungodlike. It is so unlike the character of Jesus Christ. I grieve over people who think they have to retaliate for every wrong that was rendered against them. Somehow they've got to get their pound of flesh. Somehow they have to react back to preserve their ego and their pride, they become divisive.

He repeats again a helpful statement: Never are you more like God than when you forgive. Very much agreed. To withhold forgiveness is a very unChristlike thing.

Also helpful is Christian counseling guru Jay Adams' writing on the subject. He's written a lot on the subject, and Brenton Ferry sums up Adams' take on forgiveness well in an online article. Adams' states that we should not forgive until someone repents because that is how God forgives in Scripture. Adams' sees forgiveness as a process that should be gone through instead of a feeling. He states that forgiveness is not the ignoring of sin but it deals with the offense of sin.

Another interesting article I found that echoed some of Adams' thoughts was by Edward Mrkvicka called, "Christian Forgiveness: It's Not What You Think." In it, he stated that Christian forgiveness is different from secular forgiveness because it comes at a price. Repentance and recognition of sin is necessary to move toward forgiveness and a simple, "I'm sorry" just won't cut it.

Here's a helpful site with just about every quote from the New Testament on forgiveness. Here's a good site on forgiveness as well.

After looking at the secular and sacred on forgiveness, I found it interesting that both were headed in the same direction. Both state that forgiveness does not overlook the trespass. Both state that hurt may last for a long time. And both state that there is great benefit in forgiveness.

I found it interesting that a few of the Christian sites (some that I listed, some that I didn't) perpetrated a false view of secular forgiveness. I think there are false forms of forgiveness out there (and there is some in the church as well), but for the most part, the right form of forgiveness is taking place in the world.

I would even venture to say that many non-Christians know how to forgive better than a lot of Christians.

Forgiveness: Who's Saying What?, Part 1

Before delving into this topic Scripturally and personally, I wanted to look around and see what other people had to say on the topic.

Some might think this is useless, but it's not. There's the famous Augustine quote about all truth being God's truth. Since it gets taken out of context, here's the whole thing: "A person who is a good and true Christian should realize that truth belongs to his Lord, wherever it is found, gathering and acknowledging it even in pagan literature, but rejecting superstitious vanities and deploring and avoiding those who 'though they knew God did not glorify him as God...'"

So, for this post, I'd like to look at a few articles I found online from secular sources about forgiveness. Some you might agree with, some you might not. Some of it comes from good sources, some from people who are just sharing their opinion. Either way, there's some interesting stuff out there.

The first comes from the Mayo Clinic, written by Katherine Piderman, titled, "Forgiveness, Letting go of grudges and bitterness." She makes the point that unless we let go of grudges, we might pay the price with our health. Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone what the other person did, but defines it as "a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge."

She states that even if we forgive, we will likely feel the hurt for the rest of our lives, but we will have the peace of forgiveness. She states several benefits of forgiveness including spiritual well-being, lower blood pressure, and lowered anxiety. It answers several questions that the reader might find helpful including how to forgive and topics on reconciliation.

For some reason, Lance Armstrong's foundation, Livestrong has a whole page dedicated to forgiveness. Not bad stuff, either. It's a pretty good overview and laundry list for the topic. It has a pretty good discussion of the difference between forgiving and forgetting including this quote: Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

It discusses the negative aspects of holding onto bitterness as well of the signs that a person is being unforgiving. The most practical aspect is the section on how to forgive, step by step.

Cultivate Life Magazine, which looks like an emagazine, gives us a pretty helpful article written by Lori Radun called, "Forgiveness - Breaking the Cycle of Resentment." It's filled with a bunch of helpful quotes and is very well written. It is written by a woman who has tremendous experience with forgiveness and understands the need for it first hand. I encourage you to read her article just to read her personal story. Here are a few quotes from the article:

• Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans aspire to - 94% surveyed in a nationwide Gallup poll said it was important to forgive. In the same survey; only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others.
• Forgiveness is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows you to move forward with the other person and experience a new relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.
• You might be saying, "But you don't understand what's been done to me." And you're right; I don't know all the hurts you've endured. However, I know from experience that it pays to forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of strength - not weakness. It is the strong who can put aside the past and let go of anger and resentment.
• Forgiveness does not mean you allow people to treat you badly. It does not mean you ignore the wrongdoings. It means you accept that the person has made a mistake, and you are choosing to grant them mercy. When you forgive someone, you won't necessarily forget the hurt.
• Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning or excusing the person's behavior. And it doesn't mean you have to trust that person again. Some acts, like physical and sexual abuse, require that you limit your trust or at least test the trust with the person who hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is more for you than the other person.

She does a good job giving tips on how to forgive. Great article on forgiveness by someone who has been there and lived it.

Found an article in a newsletter by Diane Anderson Counseling. It touched on a topic that needs to be addressed more. It's in a section called, "Cheap forgiveness devalues." It makes some great points. Cheap forgiveness is basically given when someone says, "I forgive you" before thinking through how they were violated and how the violation might effect them long term. It is pointless to give out cheap forgiveness because it's not real and not from the heart. This one is definitely worth reading.

Most of the time I'll spend on the topic of forgiveness will deal with those who need to forgive those who have sinned. However, I did come across an interesting article aimed at those who have committed adultery. It talks about how to forgive yourself after causing pain to your former spouse and children. Great article on the topic. It's a rarity to see someone reach out to those who have sinned. It's called, "Happiness After Infidelity," by Suzie Johnson - give it a read.

Next time, I'll look at Christian articles and possibly compare and contrast them with the secular articles. If you know of any online helps, sermons, or good reads regarding forgiveness, please let me know in the comments section.