The Practice Of Love

I'm pleased to let you know about a book published by Civitas Press that is being released on May 1, entitled "The Practice Of Love: Real Stories Of Living Into The Kingdom of God."

It's a collection of essays about people practicing the love of Christ. I usually don't recommend books to you, but I have a selfish motive for this one.  I wrote an essay for it.

I've been spotty in my posting lately because I've been doing some writing on the side. My mother was an author and I remember the process she had to endure to get books published. She'd send off manuscripts and query letters by the dozens to only get a barrage of rejections, but she'd press forward.

For me, in this information rich age, the process was easier and I thank God for His mercy and the people at Civitas. I made a comment in a post one day about writing and was contacted the next day by the editor at Civitas Press. They have a heart for writers and good writing. Jonathan Brink, the editor, has made me into a better writer with a lot of input.

I was asked to write a submission on what it means to love oneself. At first, I inwardly scoffed at the idea. I thought, "I love myself just fine, maybe too much." But the request came at a time when I was struggling with reconciling with people I had hurt through my fall.

While writing my submission, I had a breakthrough and realized that I had spent a lot of time beating myself up over sins that God had already forgiven me for. I realized that Christ loved me despite my sin and that He had freely forgiven it. On the other hand, I still hated myself for what I had done. That was the basis for my essay.

I hope you'll buy the book which is available through the publisher and will also soon be available on Amazon. Either way, thank you for taking the time to be a faithful reader.

God's Answer For The Adulterer

For the past year and a half I have been beating my head against the wall over a theological point.

I love my wife, Cynthia. I have an astonishing love for her. I would lay down my life for her. I wouldn't change a thing about my love for her. What we have is real, amazing and I have always wanted a marriage like this.

At the same time, to get her, I broke God's law - the seventh commandment - to have her.

My previous marriage to Angelica ended in divorce after she and I found no reconciliation, I alienated and did horrible damage to my former congregation, I did disastrous harm to relationships within my own family, I hurt friendships with other pastors and those I have known for years, and tarnished my name within the community.

And above all else, my sin - the sin of adultery - was one among many of my sins - that sent Christ to His death on the cross at Calvary.  God's only Son died for that sin.

I will be horribly and terribly honest with you. And I'll even phrase it in the way that my current pastor said it. I sinned willingly and boldly in the face of God and stuck my middle finger in His face and said, "I don't care what you think, I don't care what your Word says, I'm doing this anyway."

And I'll even go a step further. I love Cynthia. I'm happier now than I've ever been.

Don't get me wrong. I still suffer from the pain I caused my God and the people I hurt. But I have the love a husband should have for His wife.

Under the watchcare of my current pastor, I feel I have repented and asked for forgiveness. I have gone to those who I have hurt and asked for forgiveness and received some of it.

Many of you who read this blog over the past year have called me out on some things. I've been accused of justifying my sin. At times, I have. And early on, I was attempting to.  

I'm sad to say it, but in a post on Bathsheba, that's exactly what I was doing. 

Now, as God has humbled me, as time has moved on since my fall, I have been overwhelmed by His grace and have found some solace.

However, as a theologian, I have always been troubled by one question. A question that has kept me up at night. A question that bothers me and Cynthia. A question that has rattled around in my mind and will not go away and finally came to the surface as I prayed on the way home from work the other night.

I prayed, "Lord, thank you for Cynthia and her wonderful love. Thank you for the gift of her. I wouldn't trade her for anything."

But then I prayed, "Lord, what do I do about the sin I committed to get her? I've already confessed it? It is a slap in your holy face. Your Son died for the sin that I committed. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy since my blatant, outright, stubborn, filthy sin led me to this point."

It is a difficult problem. It is seemingly impossible. I finally had to tackle it to find peace.

How can I dare be happy with her while knowing I committed a vile sin to be in her arms? A sin that sent Christ to the cross to bear the wrath of God? A sin I committed while pastoring a church?

I shared this with Cynthia. She said, "What about people who have children out of wedlock? They sin and get to go on. It's a sin yet they are happy to have the child."

She made a good point. But in a lot of adulterous affairs, many end up reconciling. Angelica and I did not.

In my own mind and in my seminary trained brain, I have, for lack of a better term, been trying to reconcile or justify my happiness with Cynthia versus my transgressions of God's law. It has not worked. It has failed miserably.

Then, I was struck with a thought.

It's not really about how I see it. It's not about how others view it. It's about how God sees it. I have to go to the Word.

But even then I still have to be careful, lest I bastardize God's Word to justify my sin. Too often, pastors (myself included), use God's Word as a tool for justification instead of allowing it to speak for what it says.

So where do I begin? With my sin. Yes, without a doubt, I broke God's law. There is no getting around it. I took into my arms a woman who was not my wife. I have no excuses. Regardless of the problems within my marriage, this was unacceptable to God.  Brad, my pastor, told me how he explains this to other pastors with whom he speaks about me.

He said, "Arthur committed a vile sin. He sinned knowingly and often. He and Angelica could not reconcile with one another. He did not decide to live a life of celibacy. Instead, he kept piling on sin upon sin in the face of God. He was wrong to do so. They married and found a church home. Arthur repented, began to humble himself and continues to do so."

Friends, I'm no saint, that's for sure.  I am a sinner to the core. I am a wretch who willingly broke God's law, and as Brad says, I attempted to push God off His throne and make my own law on my own terms.

How do I begin to reconcile what my life looks like right now? How can I even begin to enjoy my happiness with Cynthia knowing that I am a vile law-breaker?

There is a simple answer. God has given me more grace than I deserve.

Let me quickly state what Paul told us. That does not give us the right to sin more so that grace may abound more. I get ill when people come to me (and it happens) and ask me if they should leave their spouse and commit adultery. My answer? NO! They say, "Well you did it." My answer? "That doesn't make it right."

In spite of my sin, God gave me and Cynthia grace. Abounding, free and unfettered grace. Grace I didn't deserve. When I sinned, I deserved the Ananias and Sapphira treatment. I deserved to be struck dead on the spot the second I began to think about adultery. But God didn't do that. He was long-suffering and patient with me.

Did I suffer consequence? Yes. Did others suffer pain because of my sin? Unfortunately, yes. And I will think of that every day for the rest of my life.

But still, the question is not answered. How do I reconcile the two? My happiness with Cynthia and my breaking of God's law and Christ's suffering to be with her? The sovereigntist in me has been longing to reconcile these two!

Again, I was struck because of God's Word.

I am a forgiven child of God. There is no reason for me to attempt to reconcile the two. God has already reconciled these two things for me. And all praise to Him for that.

He is the God who when I begged Him for forgiveness, He "forgave all my iniquity" and He "redeemed my life from the pit." He is the God who "does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities." Not only that, but He took my sin and removed it from me as far as the east is from the west.

He basically looked at me when He forgave me and said, "Arthur, I have forgiven and forgotten." And each day when I remember it, agonize over it, and replay it in my mind and feel guilt, He reminds me, "You're the only one bringing it up, I've forgotten it. It's been covered by my Son."

What a wonderful thing grace is. Undeserved. But so freely received by me.

Others may cast stones or try to label me, but Christ never will. God will not hold my adultery against me ever again. Even if I try to bring it up or drag myself down because of it, He never will. Know why? Because I am His child.

I was once an adulterer, but I have been washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God.

Friends, this grace is ours to have. It is ours to receive and worship Christ for. It is not there for us to engorge ourselves with sin so that we may have it. But it is there so that we may be cleansed from unrighteousness and live a holy life pleasing to God.

No one in this world, including myself, has a right to condemn me. I have been justified - not because of anything I have done - but because of what Christ did.

How do I theologically reconcile my current happiness with my sin against God? I don't have to. I throw my theological musings out the dang door. My ivory tower theology has no room here. Only the love of Christ operates here.

There is no need to reconcile it theologically. Christ has reconciled the situation with His sacrifice - once and for all. That is my hope. That is my rock. That is my everything. 

I do not boast in my strength to get to this point. I do not boast in my cleverness, my education, my perseverance or my swagger. I boast in the grace of Christ which has completely covered my transgression and has said to me, "Your sin has been removed, now move on and live a life pleasing to me from this point forward."

What now? I know exactly what the adulterous woman felt like in John 8:10-11. A woman who had been caught red handed in the act of adultery. A woman, who by Old Testament standards, deserved to be stoned. A woman who was shamed and didn't have a friend in the world - except Jesus.  

He said to her something that I now understand when the people all dropped their stones and walked away.

Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

She said, "No one, Lord."

Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on, sin no more." (ESV)

Christ's love and grace are overwhelming. Without them, I would still be trying to reconcile God's wrath and breaking His law with my current happiness. Instead, I now understand His love toward me.

He didn't give His son so I could commit adultery. He did give His son so that I could be set free from sin.

And now that He has forgotten and forgiven, now that He has humbled me, I can be free to be happy with Cynthia.

More importantly, I am happy to have a God who doesn't give up on me and loves me for who I am.

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 7: So How Do We Reconcile?

Yeah, part seven. I've been stringing it out a little, but I hope it's been helpful.

I want churches to want to reconcile with their former fallen pastors. For the glory of our King. So that we might be reconciled to one another. So that no one is left behind, forgotten, or isolated in their sin.

So how do you approach a pastor who hurt you long ago? It's not easy. There's no easy way to do it and the path I'm suggesting is not fool proof.

1. Have your church leadership pray. There is no substitute for prayer, especially among the church leadership. And typically, where the church leadership go, the membership will follow. Typically.

2. Know that you're going for the right reasons. I've mentioned it before but don't go to fight old battles, settle old scores or make you feel better about yourself. This is about coming together with another child of God, fallen as we are, recognizing that we all sin, and loving each other as God loves us.

3. Go with a Philippians 2:3 spirit - Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (ESV) Love the fallen one you seek out. Only by knowing that we are less than those we are attempting to love do we ever begin to understand what Christ did for us.

Christ left the heavenly realm, lowered Himself and gave Himself for us. How can we ever esteem ourselves better than any other person on this earth when the most perfect being in the universe made Himself worse than us?

4. Find him and go. Should you call? Probably not. Listen, most people in the church don't ever give a passing thought to what this man has done. But he thinks about it every day. Guarantee it. Church members forget until it gets brought up in conversation once a year. But he will never forget it. Every day he will be reminded of his transgression. It was his calling, his life. And he needs closure. Forgiveness. Just go. Show up. 

5. This may sound awful, but lower your expectations. That doesn't mean expect the worst. It means put it in God's hands. Don't expect a Disney ending. Or Fireproof. Or any of those ridiculous low-budget Christian movies with unrealistic endings.

Instead, expect a man to be at the door who has been changed and challenged by a long life of unforgiveness. Don't expect an immediate miracle. Just be ready to love. And be humble.

6. I would suggest you be ready to be the first with something so say. And that something be along the lines of, "We love you, we want you to know we're sorry that things have gone this long and this far like they have. What will it take to reconcile?" Be ready to listen. When I say listen, I mean listen.

There's a great line in the movie "Fight Club." The main character is speaking to another character about how people don't ever listen to you. He says, "When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you instead of just . . ." and she finishes his line by saying, "instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?"

When you visit your former pastor, listen. Don't just wait for your turn to speak. Listen to his travails. His heartaches. If he even opens up to you. It may take more than one visit. You may have to invite him out to lunch. But listen. That's how you reach out. That's what Christ did. He listened.

Hopefully this will open the lines of communication so you may listen to one another and heal.

7. Make your church ready to openly and publicly forgive. Your current pastor may not know the whole story. Tell him from whatever angle he needs to know. I took a class at the SBC headquarters once - it's called the Transitional Pastor course.  I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to be an effective interim.

Anyway, one of the roles of the transitional pastor is to help the church get over past hurts, even the hurt of a recent pastor. The class I took recommended making a timeline of the events of the church and putting blue post-it notes for bad events and yellow post-it notes for positive events.

Church members could all put as many post-its on the timeline for as many events as they could remember in the life of the church. However, only the positive events were shared out loud. At the end of the sharing time, all of the events were taken off and the transitional pastor said, "What is the future Christ has for us?"

The current church, with its current pastor, has to prepare for contacting its past pastor. Old wounds will reopen. However, that also means that resolution to those wounds will come. Old pains may come to an end. Even if the old pastor spits in your face, you tried as Scripture asked you to try. And a new beginning will come.

8. Don't give up after one try. You may get a teary eyed former pastor your first visit who embraces you. Good for you. You may get resistance. Don't give up. Let me ask you this - if it were you who were in trouble, would you want people giving up on you? Even if you go again, keep praying. It is God who will work on his soul and heart. And don't gossip. It's between you and him.

9. If all works out, rejoice. All of the glory belongs to God. It should have happened long ago. We are called to reconcile quickly and bring the weaker brother in when he falls. However, if you are able to reconcile, don't sit on it. Tell others quickly. Tell other churches whose pastors have fallen. Don't let them stay unreconciled with their former pastors. Let us quickly reconcile with one another.

I write this blog and these things to you so that you and your former pastor may have the hope of reconciliation. I write these things hoping that Angel Falls will one day have a relationship with me. The same relationship we had before? No. But one at least of Christian love, brotherhood, and of struggle side by side, and not against one another, in this world.

Face To Face With My Old Church

It's been a long 24 hours, friends.  

Without going into detail, last night Cynthia got very sick. I was extremely concerned about her. She turned out fine, but there may be health issues ahead for her. For about a three hour stretch in the emergency room, I thought life might change forever. Thanks be to God for His mercy.

On Monday (or Tuesday) I'll resume my series on reconciliation.

Today, Cynthia and I attended the funeral of an Angel Falls Church member. My current pastor, Brad, offered to go with us. We took him up on it. The church member was an older gentleman who meant a lot to me and was very close to Phillip Townsend, who I have recently reconciled with.

I knew that if we went to the funeral, we would be seeing several former church members that we had not seen since my fall. Angelica knew we would be there, but there is no animosity between us, as I have mentioned before. Our only reason for going was to mourn and show support for Phillip and his family.

Phillip, his wife, and daughter have been very supportive of me recently. When this gentleman got sick, they told me that I was one of only two people to visit him in the hospital. They were very appreciative of that. I didn't do it to get attention, but out of love for this man and for the family.

I wasn't sure how today would go, but Cynthia and I were very nervous. In the back of my mind, I suppose I expected the worst, but I also hoped for the best. Part of me hoped it would build some sort of reconciliation between me and some of my former church members. But all I could do was put it in God's hands and let things be.

When we arrived, I signed in and saw Phillip. I greeted him and we found a seat. I didn't make eye contact with any of my former members. I chose not to because the funeral wasn't about me and them, it was about the dear departed gentleman. Cynthia did tell me that she could see several of the former members out of the corner of her eye staring at us. 

When I glanced around, I knew she was right. There were about 20 in attendance and about six of them had their eyes fixated on us. I chose to talk to Brad about matters at our church. I held Cynthia's hand and talked to her some before the funeral started. Phillip's daughter came over and hugged me and thanked us for being there. His wife came by and spoke to us as well.

The funeral was short but well done. After it was over, of course, we were the first to be ushered through the line. I gave my condolences to the family then shook hands with "the new guy" who hugged me in front of everyone (his career is over), and the interim, who surprisingly hugged me after I told him he did an excellent job.

We left quickly and went to our cars. 

We talked on the way home. In our conversation, I came up with some simple thoughts. I still love those people. They're just people. I love them. Even the ones who just stared at me in disgust. I wish I could wrap my arms around them and love them. I wish I could tell them all that I'm forgiven and that Christ loves them just like He loves me. But I've forfeited that right.

They're in good hands with the new guy, I think. His prayer was beautiful.

I was proud to be with Cynthia today. Our love, our marriage, while hated by many, is what gets me through the tough days. I love her with all my heart. Even Phillip said some nice things to her. She's such a beautiful woman. Yes, we sinned. But God loves both of us and has broken our hearts and enabled us to love others in a great way.

I want to be able to let the people of Angel Falls know the reconciling love of Christ that I couldn't show them when I was pastor. Maybe soon. I'm not giving up.

 

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 5: Reconciling An Old Wound

What do you do when the pastor in question fell some time ago and you may want to reach out to him now?

Do it. The longer time goes on, the harder you will find it to reach out and heal that wound.

There are many variables involved and I'm sure I'll miss some. But know this - it's not a perfect process. It just matters that you do it with the right spirit and attitude.

Whether the break between your church and fallen pastor was one year, ten or 20 years ago, wounds will be reopened. That's natural.

In my last post I discussed why churches and fallen pastors should reconcile. But the how isn't quite as easy, especially when a lot of time has passed.

Before you go, get your motives right. Go with an Ephesians 4:1-3 attitude: "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (ESV)

Go to your former pastor out of love - NOT to settle the matter, not to fight, not to dredge up the past, not to hash out what went wrong, but to love and be reasonable.

Let me say something very important about fallen pastors. Don't always expect a miraculous response. You may not know where he went after the fall. He may be doing well. He may be doing very miserably. He may have moved on or he may have become a very bitter, cynical man. He may welcome your contact or he may question your motives.

It may be that he does not respond well to your coming at first. But it may be that your initial approach is what God uses to begin to work in your former pastor's life to renew his spirit as well.

You may be tempted to think, "Well, he's the one who sinned." That's right. He is. And every day since, he has paid for it. Through public scorn. Through the scorn of fellow pastors. But worse, he has beaten himself up for it.

Some think he deserves it, but Christians, he does not. He deserves the grace and love of Christ every bit as much as you do. His sin hurt you to the core, but Christ covered his sin at Calvary just as He covered yours. I can almost guarantee that your former pastor craves the forgiveness of God and your public forgiveness like you can't imagine.

Trust me. I know.

It may be that since his fall, he has said or done things that make him look like an unbeliever. He may have acted like a complete fool or done things you dislike. To this, I say, if it were you who had acted as such during his tenure as pastor, he likely would have chased after you in love. And if that was not his character, the Christ would have pursued you. And we are to be like Christ, after all.

What I'm proposing - reconciliation with a fallen pastor - the man who hurt you, your family, his family, embarrassed your church before the community, is not an easy thing. But ultimately it is very Christlike. Christ pursued us and bore the wrath of our sin and asks us to forgive likewise.

I'd like to propose to you a plan for reaching out to your former pastor. First, remember this. Your church put together a pulpit committee, selection committee or whatever your denomination does. That committee, under the divine guidance (hopefully) of God called that man to be pastor.

Your church voted, probably overwhelmingly and he served your local fellowship. God does not make mistakes. However, people do. At the same time, we know from Romans 8 that God is sovereign in all things. We also know that He is not the author of sin, but He works all things together for His glory.

Your pastor fell, for whatever reason, and despite what you believe about God's sovereignty, God had called this man to your church.

the fall of a pastor is devastating. It can destroy a man. You've seen the way the national media drags nationally known pastors through the mud for adultery. When it happens in the local church it happens on a smaller scale.

One would think this would be the time for Christians to surround a fallen Christian in love and mercy. But too often, the fallen pastor is scorned and run out of town on a rail. Why? Because he has harmed the church.

A pastor friend told me once the church acts like a scorned woman when a pastor falls. That comment is dead on. I don't blame the church for this. It is understandable. However, there needs to be a race at some point to move beyond hurt and reconcile.

That does not mean that the hurt is not still there. That does not mean that the relationship between church and fallen pastor is the same. It simply means that we are able to forgive as Christ forgave us.

In my next post, I'll give some specific guidelines on how to do exactly that.

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 2: Stages Of The Fall

In my last post, I talked about prevention. However, most people who find my site are those who want advice after their pastor has fallen morally.

Please take the time to read the first post in this series because it will give you some insight into my thinking. I'm not an expert in the academic realm. I do have a Master of Divinity, however, it does make me an expert on pastors who fail their congregations. I do, however, have a world of experience on the side of pastors who fall. I have spoken to many pastors who have fallen morally and I am one myself.

Let me begin with this - if you're a church member who is reading this who is asking, "how can I reconcile with a fallen pastor?" I'm glad you're here. At least you're trying. Or if you're asking, "How can I minister to a fallen pastor?" or "after a pastor falls, how do you forgive him?" I'm happy you're asking the right questions. You're far ahead of the curve.

The vast majority of church members are happy to turn the other way, push the fallen pastor to the wayside and let him fall as far as possible. Part of me sees the rationale behind this. I get it. If it were the local architect, plumber, bug guy, or Wal-Mart employee who committed adultery, no one would care.

For that matter, if any of those people were in the church, some uproar would come, but it would settle down quickly.

But much is expected of the pastor. He stands up week after week, strong protector of the Word of God, preaching against the evils of the world, and expected to stand strong against everything that is wrong with society. But then he falls.

Parents have to explain to their children (whom were baptized by that man), members have their hearts broken, relationships are harmed, the pastor's wife has to be sheltered, and it's all because the pastor apparently has a sexual issue, right? Of course, few stop to think that there is more to the story. But that is beside the point. He is now an outcast.

What are we to do with this man?

On a rare occasion, there is a deacon, or a church member who asks, "Shouldn't we love this man? Is he not a sinner like us?" But this is a rare instance. Most of the time, the pastor is cast out.

Those are questions to be dealt with later.

For now, I will insist that early intervention by members of the congregation who are brave, loyal to Christ, and able is absolutely necessary. It has to happen within the first two weeks. Period. Whether it be a member of the church or a close pastor friend, it has to be done. It is absolutely vital.

I'll get more into why it is vital in the next post. For now, I'm going to propose to you my five stages of pastoral moral failure. It's not perfect and someone else may want to improve on it. But after talking to a lot of pastoral rejects like myself, I recognized that many pastors go through stages of "grief" after they fail.

If they do not get intervention from pastor friends or church members, it seems very likely to me that they are doomed to fail and slack off into complete moral failure. Even losing their faith. I will discuss in the next post why early intervention is so important.

All of these stages are after the fall.

Stage 1:(Days 1-2) Cautious Defense - Right after the fall, just like any sin, it is easy to want to defend yourself. You want to have a reason to give for what you did. You know that no one will listen to you, so you're not ready to give reasons for your sin. However, you slink away to whatever corner of the world that will have you. You're not really ready to repent, but will give the right words for repentance if someone asks. But no one ever does. Because no one wants to talk to you. Everyone is angry.

Stage 2: (Day 3-Week 2) Embarrassment - People begin to find out what you did and the details. They begin to find out the "why" and "what" after talking to your spouse and the people involved. They don't want to talk to you because they don't want your side of the story. They are hurt, they are disappointed and they want to push you as far away from them and their family as possible.

As one pastor said to me, "Everyone needs someone to love and someone to hate." The pastor is who they need to hate. The spouse who has been harmed is who they love. The spouse left behind, regardless of whether they led to the deterioration of the marriage becomes the hero. They can never do any wrong from this point forward. The pastor becomes the goat forever. The fallen pastor, if or when he goes into public, often hangs his head low, avoiding eye contact. This is an awful time.

Stage 3: (Week 3-?) Offensive Defense Against the Perceived Enemy - Anger builds within the pastor. He feels that no one wants to hear his story. The church that he pastored for years will not listen to him, despite the fact that he labored and loved them. He knows he betrayed them, but he needs them to hear his side of the story. He knows his story would fall on deaf ears. However, some in the church will lash out in emails, Facebook messages, text messages, or letters. The pastor becomes like a poisoned frog. He will not seek out church members, but when they contact him, he will respond in anger. Sometimes with passive aggressiveness.

I have several cats. When they eat a toad, the toad coats himself with a semi-poisonous venom. This is a picture of the pastor who feels isolated by the church. He becomes aggressive when attacked directly by those in the church. If they call, email, or Facebook, he will often respond in a negative way and go on the offensive. He has loved them for years, has harmed his church and his wife, but now just wants to be loved as he loved those who sinned when he was pastor. But no love is to come.

Stage 4: The Edge (not to be confused with U2's guitarist) - This is a horrible place. I have talked to pastors on both sides. It is a place where some turn to drugs, alcohol, and other vices to fill their lives because they fill a void. Others fight through, looking for God in a long struggle. It is an awful time either way. Either way, pastors feel alone, afraid, and like no one is there to help them. They feel as if they have forsaken their God, their calling, and they feel alone. The community of faith they have built up has forsaken them because they sinned. They now feel like they deserve the treatment they are getting from their former church.

Often, they equate their former church to God. Those who do, turn to alcohol or vice. Those who turn to God struggle daily to find good things in life. Either way, it is hard. Many on the outside think that either way, these men deserve the treatment they get. But they don't. All of these men deserve the grace and forgiveness of God.

Stage 5: Hardening vs. A Second Chance - Those who choose vice often stay there. That is awful. However, some eventually, like the prodigal son, find grace again. Typically, those who choose to harden their hearts find self-hatred and those who seek a second chance find grace and choose to see themselves as God sees them.

In my next blog, I will tell you - the church member - why your love, your forgiveness, your grace, your mercy - early in this process is vital. I did not receive it from my church. I did receive it from a pastor friend. Without it, without the love of Cynthia, without the grace of Christ, I would be lost today.

Margaret: A Friend Late In Life

Cynthia and I went to a funeral today of a sweet woman whom we knew for only eight months. Her name was Margaret. She was a member of the church we joined while we were waiting for my divorce to go final right before we were married. It was the church where my pastor friend Kyle worked.

Her and her husband Peter were married over 60 years and they loved us from the moment they met us. Their son Graham was a little older than us and he took to me immediately. I told him our story and he didn't judge us at all. Graham eventually told Margaret and Peter our story, but it didn't matter to either of them what Cynthia and I had done, they loved us just the same. We were like children to them.

Each Sunday and Wednesday, Peter would see me and give me a big hug and so would Margaret. They doted on us and our children like we were their own.

When I had the occasion to preach, they would say the kindest things to me and encourage me. They both filled for me the void that many church members had not over the years. When we eventually had the falling out with Kyle, (which has now been reconciled), Margaret called and called, begging us to come back to church there.

Recently, she fell ill and was hospitalized. We visited her almost every day for the week and a half she was ill. Unfortunately, she had a stroke and never recovered.

Peter, Graham and the family asked me to be a pallbearer at the funeral and I was asked to read a poem.

Last night, Cynthia and I shared some thoughts about that. How is it that we were able to find such amazing love from such beautiful people whom we had known for only a few months? Here was a woman who had lived for over 80 years on this earth and she and her husband loved us more than anyone else in this community ever had.

They looked past our sin and saw us as people. Just a young couple with three children who needed help during a difficult time. They'll never know how much that meant to us.

Today, for the first time since I gave a book report in junior high, I shook as I talked to an audience. I shook out of emotion.

I said, "Thank you to the family for the honor of being a pallbearer. I'm a Johnny come lately in Miss Margaret's life. My wife Cynthia and I knew her and her husband Peter during the worst time in our lives. But she saw past our trouble and loved us for who we were and loved us like we were her own children."

Friends, I am desperate for that kind of love in this world. And I am desperate to love others like that. Thank God for women like Miss Margaret and men like Peter who do just that.

I pray that her love will continue to live in her children, her grandchildren, and in me and Cynthia. She was a small woman, but her heart was big enough to fill mine and restore it with the hope I needed.

A New Home & Direction

It's been a while since I wrote. A few things have happened and I'll catch you up on two of them. God is working.

Cynthia and I joined Hope Hills and it was a moving time for us. But a few days before we joined, I felt the need to contact my home church in Pella, Virginia that had ordained me. I've talked to several fallen pastors who have done the same and reached out and let their ordaining church know about their adultery and tell them that it was well within their right to revoke their ordination.

I haven't spoken to anyone from my home church in at least four years, but that didn't make my letter to them any easier to write. I put it in the mail on a Wednesday and prayed that God would do as He would.

That night, on a whim, I called Ryan, one of the deacons I had been very good friends with. I hadn't spoken to him in four years. I called his home and his wife said he was on a business trip. She gave me his cell number and I reached him immediately. He sounded very surprised to hear from me.

We talked for a long time as I shared my story with him, my adultery, my new marriage and what God has been doing for me lately in my life. After I was done with my long story, he paused and said, "Arthur, I'd like to say I'm not disappointed, but I am. I had a lot of respect for you. But it lets me know that any of us can fall."

"I know, Ryan," was all I could get out. I can't tell you how many times people had said that to me, but the closer people are to me, the harder it is to hear that statement.

"But let me tell you something else. I haven't really thought about you for a very long time. I woke up this morning here in Los Angeles. And when I woke up, I had you on my mind. And it wasn't just a fleeting thought, it was strong, and I couldn't shake it. I even called my wife and told her. We prayed for you. And then a few minutes ago, she texted me and she was a little freaked out and told me that you had called the house. Arthur, this is a God thing. He set this phone call up today."

I'm not going to go into the rest of the call, but it was amazing and very encouraging. For the past year, I've been wondering where God has been. Really, for the past five years, I've been wondering. As a pastor I was frustrated that He wasn't doing more at Angel Falls Baptist.

But now, in the past few weeks, as I've finally humbled myself, He's been responding. Of course, He's been here. But I've been in the way.

On Sunday, Cynthia and I joined Hope Hills Baptist. The pastor, Brad, had worked out what he was going to say to the church. That morning, he preached a moving message on the woman at the well. Cynthia and I walked to the front for membership and nervously awaited our introduction.

Brad looked at the church and said, "This is Arthur and Cynthia Dimmesdale. Arthur used to be a pastor at a local church, but he fell. He divorced and is now married to Cynthia. Church, do we believe that God doesn't just cover our sins, but that he forgets them? (Amens filled the room). Arthur and Cynthia have been looking for a church where they can heal and be loved and here they are. Can we do that? (More amens). Then this is the last time I want to ever hear about what they did, because we need to love them as Christ loved them."

Tears welled up in my eyes as the church welcomed us. Sure, there were a few there who were looking at us out of the corner of their eye. But, for the most part, we were welcomed greatly. In the welcoming line, a few of the people came up to us and said that they had been in our exact situation and knew how hard it was.

The past few weeks have been great. Especially great when I get out of God's way and let Him work on me.

Being Snooty And Smug

I just got home from a business vacation with Cynthia. We went to a big city for a convention I had to attend. We spent a lot of time out shopping and having a good time.

It's been a while since I visited a big city. This one is one of the largest cities in the United States and we had a blast.

We saw a decent number of homeless people and, of course, I had forgotten how insensitive I was in my thinking toward the homeless. We walked past them with shopping bags and food and I ignored them. Cynthia showed empathy several times but I was just hard of heart toward them most of the time.

We kept shopping - mostly for her - and she asked, "Is there anything you want?"

I said, "I really would like a pair of nice boxers to sleep in (too much info?)"

So we set out to find some nice boxers. We looked for a while and were sent down the street to some huge multi-level men's store I'd never heard of.

We walked into the plush lobby and I should have walked out the second we walked in.

All of the sales associates were wearing suits. It looked like a grand cathedral. There were suits from wall to wall and most of them looked like they would set me back a month's salary. But, I was on vacation and trudged ahead.

The guy in the suit who met us asked what we were looking for and sent us up the elevator to the second floor. More suits there. More sales associates in suits. And when we got off the elevator, everyone stopped and stared at us.

Now, listen. We were dressed casually. I was wearing khakis and nice shoes, and an American Eagle shirt. Cynthia was wearing a nice shirt and khakis. But we weren't dressed like them.

A man stopped us and said, "Are you looking for someone?" Yeah. Not, "Can I help you?"

His question was meant to say, "You have no right to be here. You have no right to shop here. You can't afford this place so leave now."

But I'm too stupid to stop when I'm offended. I wanted to say, "Yeah, I'm looking for your sense of humor." But I didn't. I told him I was looking for boxers. He sent me toward a lady who led me over to a corner of the store.

She kept looking me up and down like I had leprosy. She wouldn't let me touch the boxers. It was like I had a disease. I was lower class to them. I just said, "You know what? Don't worry about it. I don't see anything I like."

We left. I was irritated.

I had some time to reflect on it for a while. Why was I so irritated? Because these people were middle-class, most likely, like me. And they weren't any better than me. They waited on high class people, but they got snooty because I wasn't good enough for them to wait on. It was about what "class I was in." How dare they!

Oh, snap. Wait a second, I thought.

How had I been thinking about the homeless people earlier? I had seen them as below me and had been hard-hearted in my thinking toward them because of their "class." Well, crud. I wasn't any better than the people in the men's store.

Let's go a step further.

How about my post the other day about the SBC? Some took it the wrong way, I think. I'm not blaming the SBC for my fall. My point was that the resolution they voted on will really do no good in the end. However, the people that make up the SBC and the committees are just people. And if I'm wrong, it will be because I judge the people, not the group.

How about this? What about when people walk into our churches and they look a little different? They don't act like us? They don't fit into the cliques we've formed? What would your church do if an alcoholic showed up? What would your church do if a man fresh out of prison showed up? How would you feel? (I hope you would respond positively in all those situations - and many of you would.) But unfortunately, many don't. And that's about class - that's about our snootiness and smugness.

Guess what? From members of the SBC, to those of us in church, to the people in the men's store, to the homeless, we're all human. Strip us all down to our boxers, and we're just a bunch of vulnerable people in need of God's love and mutual human understanding. But with our protective shields of piety and smugness on, we judge and look down on others. And that's not how it's intended to be. I'm guilty.

It's innate in all of us and it needs to be fought against. And I was reminded of that when I wasn't good enough to buy a pair of underwear this week.

"I've Forgiven Them In My Heart"

I want to write about a statement that really, really bothers me. "I've forgiven 'so and so' in my heart."

I have heard this sentiment over and over for many years. I understand what it means. Usually, it means, "I say I forgive them, but I never really want to tell them I forgive them."

Is this true, biblical forgiveness? Does Jesus ever tell us that we can "forgive someone in our heart" then never tell them that we've forgiven them?

No.

Now, I'll grant that there are times that we need to give forgiveness and that full reconciliation is not going to happen. I get that. That's not what I'm even talking about.

I'm talking about John Churchgoer who doesn't want to be a man and face the person who has wronged him and say, "I forgive you." He doesn't want to accept the apology or repentance of the person who is offering it. He doesn't want to look that person in the eye ever again, as is required by Scripture. He just wants an "out".

So he says, "I forgive him in my heart."

Where did this horrible phrase ever come from? Is this an American church thing? It needs to be preached against. It needs to be spoken out against. It needs to be stricken from our vocabulary.

Forgiveness needs to be real and honest. It doesn't need to be silent. It's either real or not. It's either genuine and seeking toward reconciliation or it's not.

Forgiveness: Who's Saying What?, Part 2

In my last blog, I started an article review about forgiveness and I started with secular ideas about forgiveness. Now I'd like to look at a smattering of articles from Christian writers. Please take the time to read the last blog post before reading this one.

John MacArthur, in a sermon on forgiveness states that it is vital to the Christian life to forgive. His definition is pretty good: Forgiveness is a marvelous thing. Forgiveness is a promise. Forgiveness is a pledge. Forgiveness is a statement of undeserved, unearned love that says no matter what you've done there is no anger, no matter what you've done there is no hatred, no matter what you've done there is no desire for vengeance, no matter what you've done there will never be any retaliation. I pass by that transgression completely. I do not hold you guilty. I do not blame you. I feel no self-pity for myself because I've been offended, rather I pass by that transgression completely and extend my love to you fully. That's forgiveness and that's godlike.

He also remarks something I've been echoing in my own mind: I'll tell you something as a pastor. I grieve deeply over people who carry bitternesses. It is so ungodlike. It is so unlike the character of Jesus Christ. I grieve over people who think they have to retaliate for every wrong that was rendered against them. Somehow they've got to get their pound of flesh. Somehow they have to react back to preserve their ego and their pride, they become divisive.

He repeats again a helpful statement: Never are you more like God than when you forgive. Very much agreed. To withhold forgiveness is a very unChristlike thing.

Also helpful is Christian counseling guru Jay Adams' writing on the subject. He's written a lot on the subject, and Brenton Ferry sums up Adams' take on forgiveness well in an online article. Adams' states that we should not forgive until someone repents because that is how God forgives in Scripture. Adams' sees forgiveness as a process that should be gone through instead of a feeling. He states that forgiveness is not the ignoring of sin but it deals with the offense of sin.

Another interesting article I found that echoed some of Adams' thoughts was by Edward Mrkvicka called, "Christian Forgiveness: It's Not What You Think." In it, he stated that Christian forgiveness is different from secular forgiveness because it comes at a price. Repentance and recognition of sin is necessary to move toward forgiveness and a simple, "I'm sorry" just won't cut it.

Here's a helpful site with just about every quote from the New Testament on forgiveness. Here's a good site on forgiveness as well.

After looking at the secular and sacred on forgiveness, I found it interesting that both were headed in the same direction. Both state that forgiveness does not overlook the trespass. Both state that hurt may last for a long time. And both state that there is great benefit in forgiveness.

I found it interesting that a few of the Christian sites (some that I listed, some that I didn't) perpetrated a false view of secular forgiveness. I think there are false forms of forgiveness out there (and there is some in the church as well), but for the most part, the right form of forgiveness is taking place in the world.

I would even venture to say that many non-Christians know how to forgive better than a lot of Christians.