I Hate Humility, But I Love Transformation

So much has happened in the past week. Just when I think my story is over, something else happens. I just can't believe this is happening to me. But, it is.

I blogged about dreams last time. I haven't had a good dream in over a year. I had one last night. I'll get to that some other time.

Cynthia and I have been looking for a church ever since we had a terrible experience at the last one - not Angel Falls.

We have been visiting the church of my friend Brad - Hope Hills Baptist. He's a sovereigntist like me. He spends his time three ways - knocking on doors in the community trying to save souls, witnessing in downtown Richmond, and spending time with his beautiful family.

You know how I know Brad is serious about the kingdom? Richmond is a far cry from Angel Falls. As a pastor, I wouldn't have dreamed about going there and witnessing. He uses the Way of the Master witnessing technique like I did. He's not going to get anyone there to join his church. You know why he goes there? Because he loves sinners. He wants people to see Christ. He's not pushy. He's not overbearing. He just loves Christ. He loves people. You may disagree with Brad and think he's out of line and should leave people alone. Fine. But he's got a heart for people. He doesn't judge. If they don't listen, he leaves them alone. He just loves.

He has a passion that 99% of pastors don't have. I didn't have it. He preaches with a fire that men like Spurgeon and Whitfield had. Lord, is that even a fair comparison? No. I hate it when people do that. If someone could make a list of pastors throughout the ages of passion, some guy from North Dakota who pastored a church who no one ever heard of would top the list, not Charles Spurgeon. It's not right of me to compare Brad to Spurgeon or Whitfield. If he knew I was making up a pseudonym for him and doing it, he would be embarrassed. He would say, "I'm just a preacher trying to glorify Christ." But I'll tell you. In this ragged county dearth of preaching, he's like Spurgeon. And those of you who are hurting for good preaching, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Is he seminary educated? Nope. And it's probably to his advantage. He just loves people.

He told me last week that he had a wife and husband in his office at midnight. The husband was drunk off his butt. He was a gulf war veteran and was screaming at his wife. She was crying. He told me, "I felt like I was in over my head." But he stayed in there and presented the gospel. The couple left. The man came back three days later and was begging to be saved.

Friends, in the past year, I've lost touch with Christ. I have hated church, I've hated religion, and I sure as hell hated to see anything associated with the Southern Baptist Convention. But seeing Brad and his passion has reminded me what it's all about. It's about Christ. It's not about me. It's not about parking lots or buildings or the weekly offering. And I'm downright ashamed of the pastor I used to be. In fact, I want to strip myself of that.

Cynthia and I met with him and told him we wanted to join the church. We told him we didn't see any other way for us to join but to tell the church what we had done. He agreed. It's going to be embarrassing this Sunday when he tells them. Cynthia and I had a heart to heart about that last night.

I told her, "Sweetie, in Nathaniel Hawhorne's classic, 'The Scarlet Letter,' Hester Prynne is commanded to wear her 'A' on her chest. But the first time she shows up in public, she has embroidered it herself. It's not a plain 'A'. It's adorned with gold and it's absolutely beautiful. The people are stunned and are awed with her workmanship. She's taken ownership of her sin. On Sunday, that's what we need to do. We've been forgiven. In that congregation, there will be people there who are/have been/who will be committing adultery. We need to take ownership of what we've done. We aren't proud of it, but God has set us free from it by the grace of Christ. And we can be an example to someone and maybe, just maybe someone can be helped by our story."

There's more, dear reader . . .

I told you in the last blog that I called Phillip Townsend. He was the deacon who called the shots after I committed adultery. When he found out what I did, he told me he "ought to beat the sh-t out" of me. We had a rocky past. I blamed him for a lot of my current problems.

Today, friends, I went to him with all humility and grace. I laid myself at his feet. I apologized to him and told him I was terribly sorry for all the pain I had caused him and the church.

As a sidenote, I have talked to many fallen pastors across the county in the past year. 95% of them tell me that for the most part, reconciliation with the church that was sinned against is IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? I'm a hard headed jerk. Today, I proved that percentage wrong.

Humility goes a long, long way.

The only issue I left with is this - Phillip told me he forgave me a long time ago. Friends, if you forgive a person, you need to TELL THEM. If you don't tell them, forgiveness is not complete. But I understand the process. He also told me he had no intention of contacting me. He said he was going to wait for me to initiate contact. I said, "I get it. I'm a jerk. I would've just responded like a jerk, right?" He had a point. There's a time for reconciliation and a right time to talk to people.

I left Phillip's home with a good feeling. Does he feel the same as he did when I was pastor? No. Do I think he's flawed and should have handled it different? Yeah. But you know what? I love him. And one day in glory, we're gonna have to live next to each other. And today, for an hour and a half, we understood each other. And as a man, I looked him in the eye and I took the initiative to call him and make him meet me.

There's no reason Christians shouldn't be getting along in this world. Phillip told me there's about 30% of that church that will never forgive me. That's sad. Because if they're really saved, they won't like seeing me in heaven.

And when I'm there, I'm gonna rub it in.

I called Brad to tell him that I met with Phillip. He started to cry. I said, "What is it?" He said, "When I met with you and Cynthia last week, I wrote in my prayer journal that I was going to begin praying for you to reconcile with the people at Angel Falls. I just didn't think that prayer would begin to be answered so quickly." My faith is beginning to be restored.

By the way, I had a great dream last night. First good dream I've had in a while. A very long while. I love airplanes. I was at an airfield with my girls and Cynthia. There was an airshow. And we were free. And we were watching the planes go by. And we were happy.

Forgiveness is good. Do you have someone you need to talk to? Humility is so freeing. Is it hard? Sure. But it will free you from a lifetime of anger, hatred, and bitterness. Do it before you waste anymore time.

Apologizing To Whom?

Found an interesting article yesterday written by the former editor of Contemporary Christian Magazine. It had been three years after Amy Grant's divorce and the magazine wanted her to apologize for what she had done.

The editor, who was being asked by the publisher to write the article and ask for her apology, questioned the move.

An exchange from the article between him and the publisher:

“Who does she need to apologize to, Gerald?”

“Her fans. Us at CCM. And everybody she failed.”

The article is worth your time. But the topic behind it is also worth careful thought.

When one falls, to whom are they apologizing? David clearly stated after his sin with Bathsheba that he had sinned against God and God alone. However, it would seem that genuine sorrow and offering of a sincere sign of that sorrow to those directly offended would be appropriate.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I apologized to Cynthia for what I had done. I apologized to my daughters. I even wrote a letter to individual members of my church and told them I was sorry I let them down.

Was apologizing to the church for my adultery necessary? I did not commit adultery against them. I did lie to them, yes, and I apologized for that. But I had many tell me I needed to apologize to them for my adultery.

My sin was made public very quickly. By Cynthia, her family, and by the church. I don't know if there's a way around that. Pastors are public figures and when they lie and cheat, sin like that tends to get made public. However, there has to be a time when it stops being discussed by those who were not directly involved in the sin. When the sin itself and the discussion of it turns into gossip and unhealthy talk.

One could argue that my blog is the furtherance of this discussion. A fair point. But I don't view it that way. I've tried to handle my story in a way that is from my viewpoint and how I perceived them. I've kept everything anonymous so that those involved wouldn't be further effected.

There's a time to discuss sin and situations when it can help others understand seriousness of sin. And there's a time when it's simply unhealthy, destructive gossip that seeks to tear down others.

For Amy Grant, I think the editor had a good point. Did she owe her fans an apology for divorcing? Was her private life the business of her fans? Probably not.

My situation was different in many ways. My personal holiness affected my public ministry. I did owe the church an apology for my failing in that way. Many were hurt. An article by Christianity Today states, "When a pastor falls sexually, his church responds like a wife betrayed by her husband, experts say.'"

I am still in the process of asking myself the same questions I am presenting to you in this blog. Hopefully, someone will read this post and give me some interesting viewpoints on the matter.

Maybe I'm wrong. But that's what this blog has been about since day one. The exchange of ideas. Whether it's about Amy Grant or me, I'd be happy to hear it.