The New Guy

I got a call the other day from a pastor friend of mine who told me that Angel Falls has finally called a new pastor. Almost a year and a half after my fall, they've finally filled the pulpit.

He gave me the details and told me the guy had some pastoral experience and came from a local church pastored by a mutual friend of ours, Andy. I called Andy and asked about the new guy. He said the new guy's name was Adam, he had a little experience and was very Reformed.

I told Andy that I was just calling because Angel Falls will always be close to my heart and I wanted the best for them. I told him that if Adam ever wanted to call me and talk, he was more than welcome. I didn't expect a call.

The next day, Adam called and we set up lunch.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I did know that I wasn't going to say a bad thing about Angel Falls. What could I say? I had fallen, sinned, and it was my own fault. During my time there, most of the people had been kind and generous. I wasn't nervous about the meeting but I didn't want to slant his opinion about the church either. I talked about it with Cynthia and we agreed I'd let him do the talking.

We met at an O'Charley's in Montross and he was friendly right off the bat. We exchanged seminary stories and he started asking questions. Was the church open to change? What was the community like? How did the deacons operate? What was Sunday School like?

We finally got around to my sin and I gave him the 20 second version. I fell, I hurt them, had spoken with four people since then and hoped he could help them heal.

The best part of lunch was that he never passed judgment on me. In fact, he told me that during the pulpit committee meeting, they asked him about how he would relate to female members of the congregation. He said he answered them like this: "Listen, I'll answer your question, but this isn't going to be about what happened in the past. This is about me and you. People sin. You sin. I sin. We lie, cheat, and we steal. Let's not make this about what happened and how you got hurt. Let's make this about the future."

I liked that answer. Pulpit committees too often ask the candidates questions that relate to the previous pastor's problems. They shouldn't. But I also understand why they do.

At the end I said, "Adam, let me tell you what I wish someone had told me. They're good people at Angel Falls. There are a few, like at any church who will drive you nuts. For the most part, they want to love you. Let them. Give to them and they'll give back. Let the deacons mentor you. Let them handle the small issues so you can concentrate on the Word. And most importantly, be yourself. Don't let people get you down."

I think Adam is going to be okay. He's a little younger than I am. He has a great deacon body to mentor him. His theology is good, he's energetic, and has a plan. He loves the Lord.

In all, I want what's best for Angel Falls.

He said, "You're more than welcome to come visit the church anytime." I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Adam, I appreciate it, but there are still a few there that want to punch my lights out."

He said with a sly smile, "Then maybe I should preach a series on forgiveness. Better yet, I'll have you come preach supply and you can do it."

I'll give him one thing. He's got a sense of humor. He's gonna need it.

Huh. Didn't Know This.

What they don't teach you in seminary.

Guess they were too focused on the Reformation to tell you this or this.

Yeah, don't bother telling me how Wikipedia is such an informed resource. This Baptist is just a little surprised. No, it doesn't change my theology much (at all). Just perks up my ears a bit. The Reformers were presented to us as heroes against Catholicism.

If you tried to tell your church this stuff, they'd run you out on a rail.

Providence And Depression

Depression is an awful thing.

Those who have never experienced it cannot identify.

Those who have seen loved ones go through it have had a taste of it. I watched my mother endure a lifetime of horrible depression. It wasn't until my college years that I learned that I was suffering from it.

It's interesting to hear people who don't understand depression give you their cures for it. I was corresponding today with a friend who suffers from it. Those who don't know about depression say things that don't really help much because they don't understand it.

"If you had more faith, you'd get better."

"Just snap out of it. Think of what you have."

"It's all in your head."

"You don't have any reason to be depressed."

Friends, we could argue about clinical depression until the cows came home. Some people suffer from depression and others don't. There are chemical triggers that bring some down into the pits of despair and you can't describe. It's like being lost in a world that you wouldn't want to be in. Nothing makes you happy. Nothing could bring you out of it.

It's a realm that can't be described. Nothing can make you happy. You can't pray yourself out of it. You can't pull yourself out of it. If you could, you would. It's a deep, dank, dark, horrible place that you don't want to be in. You want to pull yourself out of the hole. You know there's a world out there to participate in and live in. You want to be happy and free, but you can't do anything about it.

It's a horrible existence.

That's where I've been the last two weeks. I've been here before. Right after my adultery got discovered. And at other times in life. I don't know what has brought this recent bout of depression on but it's very real and very hard.

Cynthia has been very good to me. She's helping me through it. I'm medicated for anxiety but the depression is tough to deal with.

I've blogged before about my theological difficulties with providence. I was/am a Calvinist. I honestly don't know where I am now. You know that if you've read this blog.

I caught hell from commenters over my David and Bathsheba posts. And on some level, I should have. I wasn't trying to make a deep point on those, but I was trying to make sense about God's providence. I didn't communicate it well, that's for darn sure.

Let me explain it another way, and please, if you've been hard on me in the past, feel free to keep being hard on me. But at least listen to what I'm trying to say. Everyone has a theological background. None of us can escape our worldview. We all think a certain way because that's the way we were raised. It's the way we were taught. It's the way we think because someone told us it was the truth. Do we ever really stop to ask ourselves if we really know the truth? Whether what we think is true or not?

One pastor friend I have, who is a Calvinist (maybe a hyper-Calvinist, I don't know) would tell me that every single motion we make is pre-ordained by God. Once, during lunch, I poked him with my fork and asked him, "was me poking you on the arm with my fork preordained by God?" He said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Then was my adultery preordained?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "But my adultery was my own fault and my own responsibility. I was fully culpable for it, right?"

He said, "Yes, it's the mystery of God."

Alright.

Then I have another friend who is a Calvinist. Of sorts. He says that God's sovereign election only pertains to His choices in matters of salvation. Anything else is a matter of our free choice. Great.

That's what prompted me to write those blogs about David and Bathsheba. That's what was at the heart of them. If David hadn't have sinned, we wouldn't have had Solomon. Bathsheba is mentioned as being in the lineage of Christ. Does that make David's sin permissible? Absolutely NOT! Was Solomon God's Plan B? No. I don't believe that either. God is a sovereign God who has had a plan since the beginning.

I hear what you're thinking. God's plans are unknowable. It's useless for us to pry into the secret things of God. Please don't hear me trying to blame God for my sin either. I'm not. I'm the vile sinner who violated God's law. I am.

But how does it all fit together? I have no idea. But it keeps me up at night. Too much seminary education.

But something else has happened to me with my depression in the past two weeks to let me know God is at work. I've wanted to absolutely drop off the face of the earth in the last three days. I've thought that the world would be better off without me. I have wept, I have cried, I have wanted to be erased. I can't explain where the depression has come from or what triggered it, but it is very real.

But so is my God.

Today and yesterday, He responded. Despite my lack of theology and understanding, He responded through people.

First, He responded through my beautiful wife, Cynthia. She was there for me. She understood my grief, depression and sorrow. She just listened. She wrapped her arms around me and held me. She comforted me and prayed for me. She reminded me that this grief and depression are temporary.

Secondly, I got a phone call from another fallen pastor I haven't heard from in a month and a half. What are the odds? He called me today to check on me. I poured out my heart to him. He has depression as well. We had only talked once before, but he said he felt the need to call me and talk to me. That's the providence and grace of God, friends.

Thirdly, another fallen pastor friend of mine emailed me and told me he was suffering from a bout of depression as well. We have shared a common experience from almost the day I have published this blog. While we have both sinned, we also recognize that God's grace is great and there is a world of redemption before us. We love each other as brothers and give each other great encouragement.

Finally, I received an email from a fallen pastor I had emailed over two months ago. I thought he had forgotten about me. He reached out to me finally. He had several things going on and reassured me he had not forgotten about emailing me. He was compassionate about my plight and was encouraging. He reminded me that God was with me and would be with me.

All of these things happened to me within a 48 hour period. A time period when I didn't know if I would make it or not. When I needed God the most. God didn't speak to me directly, but He didn't need to. He spoke through His people - fallen, broken people who the world has mostly given up on.

And you know what? Those are the people God uses. And I needed to be reminded of that. I thank God for His practical providence.

Apologizing To Whom?

Found an interesting article yesterday written by the former editor of Contemporary Christian Magazine. It had been three years after Amy Grant's divorce and the magazine wanted her to apologize for what she had done.

The editor, who was being asked by the publisher to write the article and ask for her apology, questioned the move.

An exchange from the article between him and the publisher:

“Who does she need to apologize to, Gerald?”

“Her fans. Us at CCM. And everybody she failed.”

The article is worth your time. But the topic behind it is also worth careful thought.

When one falls, to whom are they apologizing? David clearly stated after his sin with Bathsheba that he had sinned against God and God alone. However, it would seem that genuine sorrow and offering of a sincere sign of that sorrow to those directly offended would be appropriate.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I apologized to Cynthia for what I had done. I apologized to my daughters. I even wrote a letter to individual members of my church and told them I was sorry I let them down.

Was apologizing to the church for my adultery necessary? I did not commit adultery against them. I did lie to them, yes, and I apologized for that. But I had many tell me I needed to apologize to them for my adultery.

My sin was made public very quickly. By Cynthia, her family, and by the church. I don't know if there's a way around that. Pastors are public figures and when they lie and cheat, sin like that tends to get made public. However, there has to be a time when it stops being discussed by those who were not directly involved in the sin. When the sin itself and the discussion of it turns into gossip and unhealthy talk.

One could argue that my blog is the furtherance of this discussion. A fair point. But I don't view it that way. I've tried to handle my story in a way that is from my viewpoint and how I perceived them. I've kept everything anonymous so that those involved wouldn't be further effected.

There's a time to discuss sin and situations when it can help others understand seriousness of sin. And there's a time when it's simply unhealthy, destructive gossip that seeks to tear down others.

For Amy Grant, I think the editor had a good point. Did she owe her fans an apology for divorcing? Was her private life the business of her fans? Probably not.

My situation was different in many ways. My personal holiness affected my public ministry. I did owe the church an apology for my failing in that way. Many were hurt. An article by Christianity Today states, "When a pastor falls sexually, his church responds like a wife betrayed by her husband, experts say.'"

I am still in the process of asking myself the same questions I am presenting to you in this blog. Hopefully, someone will read this post and give me some interesting viewpoints on the matter.

Maybe I'm wrong. But that's what this blog has been about since day one. The exchange of ideas. Whether it's about Amy Grant or me, I'd be happy to hear it.