The Slow Redemptive Process

I don't know why, but I've been dreaming about my mother a lot lately. That, and she's been on my mind. She died in an accident a few months before my fall. She wrote a few books. It might be because I'm writing a lot lately.

It might be because I'm slipping into depression. It may just be because I miss her. Maybe it's all of those things.

God has a way of bringing hope to us when we're at our worst.

This weekend, Cynthia's daughter had a birthday.

Last year at this time, the kids we usually would have invited didn't get invited because their families were very upset with us because of my fall at Angel Falls Baptist. I can't say I blame them.

Barry, her father, who had twice committed adultery and been arrested, had a birthday party elsewhere for her. The church people had no problem attending that party. Again, I can see where they were coming from.

A year removed, things are slightly better. When I talk about those families, they are all people that Cynthia's daughter is related to by blood. When we've seen them at the grocery store, most of them ignore us, and a couple have spoken to us.

That's progress as far as I'm concerned.

Especially when I've heard fallen pastors tell me to never expect any type of reconciliation. Ever. I just don't buy it. I'm sure there will be a great number who will never want to see me or Cynthia again. But as long as I live, I simply cannot believe that it is God's will to give up on the process of reconciliation.

The week before her birthday, we got a text from one of the women who hasn't spoken to us asking what Cynthia's daughter might want for her birthday. We quickly invited them to the party. We also invited Marlee and Rich whom we had seen recently. We were hopeful and cautiously optimistic.

The day came and guess what? Everyone came. Our family and the former church members we invited. The best part? We all acted like normal human beings.

Wow.

I asked all these people, by letter, twice for forgiveness. I would love to hear from each of them, "Bro. Arthur, I forgive you."

But it's not going to happen.

But you know what can happen and what is almost just as good?

To be treated like a human and not a fallen pastor. To be looked in the eye again (which most of them did). To be talked to like I'm just another sinner trying to make it in the world.

To have what happened Saturday. To talk about sports, kids, the weather, family, and nothing in particular.

For them to just take a few minutes to see that a pastor who commits adultery doesn't turn into the Antichrist. If anything, it's possible he becomes more human and more humble than he was before.

To me, that will pave the road to a new relationship. That will be just as good as, "I forgive you."

I hate it when I'm crying after I write a post.

Illness, Pastoral Comfort, And The Need For Rest

I’m not really sure where to start with what’s been going on for the past three weeks.

To sum up, without giving up too much information, Cynthia had a serious medical event. When I say serious, I mean serious. She’s resting well and we’re going to see a specialist on Friday. Thanks to those of you who have been praying for her.

It came out of the blue and has caused a lot of concern and stress.

It’s also caused a lot of reflection for both of us. To write about it will help me, but on the other hand, to reflect on it makes me wonder if too much theological, spiritual, or other type of reflection is really helpful.

I started blogging because it helped me release some of my deep issues. It did that and I was able to find solace in Christ. But with this latest problem we face, I just wonder if pontification on the issues of life on a blog isn’t just technological navel gazing.

Cynical? Maybe. But all my wondering and consideration won’t make Cynthia better.

Three weeks ago when she fell ill, I was scared. Scared she might not recover. Frightened that I might be alone in this world without her.

What would I have told myself if I had been my pastor? “All things work together for good . . .” Stop right there. Sure they do. But at that moment, looking into my beautiful wife’s eyes, I suddenly had no future. I was left asking, “What if I’m about to lose her?”

After we got a firm diagnosis of what had happened to her, Cynthia asked me, “Is this punishment for what we did?”

No, of course not. But we also discussed the fact that there are some who still judge us who will believe it is.

God has forgiven and wiped our slate clean. Our God has moved from judge to loving Father. If He wanted to judge me for everything I had ever done, I’d never make it out of bed in the morning. If He were to judge me for being an adulterous pastor, I’d have been struck dead a year ago in a gruesome, horrible accident, with an awful incurable disease, or some other unspeakable nightmare.

I don’t deserve His grace. But He has given it. And any who think I deserve judgment from Him are right. I do. We all do. But thanks be to Christ, any of us may receive grace.

So how do I deal with this event? How do I deal with this illness that has struck Cynthia?

Some would tell me that it is a terrible thing, but it will go to glorify God. To use it in the same way Paul used the thorn in his flesh – “My grace is sufficient for you.”

Some might tell us that without enough faith, it will never go away. To pray until it is healed.

Others might tell us, despite my belief, that it is God’s judgment upon our sin. That it is what we deserve. That we haven’t fully repented and that there is more to come.

Others will say it’s just fate. Bad things happen. Sickness is inevitable, that’s how life is and there are worse things in the world. You know, “it could be worse.”

In the back of my mind, I hear myself when I was a pastor. I hear all of the meaningless things I would have been telling people if it had been them or their spouse if they had been sick, “I’ll be praying for you.” “God is in control.” “We’re here for you.” “God is a God of miracles.” “We’ll put you on the prayer list.”

Those things are all true – so they are not entirely meaningless. But if they are not spoken in love or with conviction, they are meaningless. But they are meaningless sometimes because they are not the best thing to say.

When people are at their worst, as we are now, it is hard to find something to say. That’s why I now know that I only find comfort in the words of one man. The one I should have been quoting when I was attempting to comfort when pastoring.

The words I now find solace in.

“Come to me all you who are weary or heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Fallenpastors.com: Help For Fallen Pastors, Part One

I've made a new friend and found a new hero. His name is Danny Williams.

Danny is a fallen pastor like me, but unlike me, he has taken his pain and fallenness to a completely different level. He has turned it into a ministry for fallen pastors.

At fallenpastors.com, there are many resources available. Behind it all is a humble, yet energetic pastor who loves His Savior and wants fallen pastors to be restored to their Savior.

Danny went through his own fall while serving in the Assembly of God church. His story is unique and follows the same path that other fallen pastor's stories take. Danny made many mistakes after his fall, but soon found that the only way to find peace was through repentance and restoration to Christ.

"My pain is now my power," he told me.  "My mess is now my message." Lord, I want to hear this man preach.

We had an hour long talk on the phone and it was very uplifting.  Danny gets many emails every month and counsels many men who are considering adultery and many pastors who have already fallen. He told me that a lot of fallen pastors aren't ready to hear what he has to say.

He's very direct with them. They need to hear what he has to say, however. Right off the bat, fallen pastors apparently aren't ready to repent. They have a need to justify, he told me. But he warns them of what is to come, but he also gives them hope. He tells them of his story and offers them counseling, love, and many resources. He encourages fallen pastors to get their sin out in the open.

"After I got restored, I wasn’t going to live under the shame of it anymore. Once [the sin is] in the light the enemy can’t use it against you anymore," he told me. I heard his wife give a hearty "Amen" in the background when he said this.

Danny's ministry is located in Austin, Texas. He doesn't consider himself to be the full circle resource for the fallen pastor, but just a link in a chain. Quoting 1 Corinthians 3, he said, "We’re only a step in the process but we’re a hope in the process. One plows, one plants, and one gives the increase."

After Danny's ministry talks to a fallen pastor, gives resources, teleconferences or helps in whatever way is necessary, they find a resource for that pastor in his area. "We give them resources and direction to find someone to help. To get someone to watch you just be in the room. To find acceptance to give you hope to be restored."

On his website, you will find information regarding reconciliation between a pastor and his spouse, ideas about false intimacy, true repentance, and some excellent resources.  I'm still not sure that Bro. Danny really isn't a closet Southern Baptist. 

Danny has built an excellent ministry and I am very glad he is out there. There are very few men like him who are actually helping fallen pastors. He has been doing this ministry for a little over two years and has helped about 25 ministers.

I thank God for my new friend and hope you will pray for him and his wife and ministry and the men he helps as well as the church he serves. If you know of any fallen pastors or hear of men who fall, please recommend Bro. Danny's ministry to them.

What I Don't Miss About Pastoring: Insecurity

You wouldn't think pastors are insecure. You'd be wrong.

They all seem so confident standing up there preaching. Proclaiming the Word of God.

Heck, even around other pastors, they're a little arrogant.

I remember once I went to a pastor's conference. We had a breakout session on handling conflict in the ministry. The reason we were all in there was because we were insecure and had "trouble people" in our congregations.

However, the room was filled with Southern Baptist pastors at a pastor's conference. Which, if you've never experienced this, don't want to. Imagine a lot of strong personalities competing to share their advice with the moderator - however, they're in the room because they're insecure with handling conflict.

The moderator began the discussion with, "What is the most difficult occupation in the world?"

I winced.  You don't ask a group of pastors that question. Especially a group of pastors gathered to hear a breakout session on handling conflict.

The vocal vote was unanimous - "Pastoring!"

They hadn't realized that the moderator probably disagreed with them, even though he was a veteran pastor. He never said what he thought, but he was gauging his crowd. He wanted to listen to what they would say. And he did. He asked, "Why?"

"Because we do so much! We pray, we visit, and no one understands us! No one understands what we do except other pastors! And people will split the church over the smallest and most insignificant things! And we're underpaid and under appreciated!"

That went on for about five minutes. It's not that I disagree with any of those things, but it was getting ridiculous. Like a Jerry Springer Show.

I raised my hand. He actually called on me.

"I agree it's difficult," I said. "But the initial question was 'toughest job in the world.' While I agree our jobs are hard for us and that we have a higher calling, I don't know if it's the toughest. I think studies show that job would be air traffic controller.

People were frowning. But I continued.

"If the moderator was speaking to a group of doctors and asked the same question, what would they say? They wouldn't say 'pastors.' They'd say 'doctors.' If he was speaking to auto mechanics, steel workers, stay at home moms, construction workers, accountants, CEOs of Fortune 100 companies, they would all think their job was toughest."

A bellicose pastor looked at me and said, "Young man, how long have you been pastoring?"

I said, "Five years."

He said, "Then you just don't know."

I got shut down.

But I did know. I had already been through my fair share of petty arguments, anonymous letters from angry members, dumb statements about my sermons, and people just not "getting it" that I was in the same boat all those other pastors were in.

I was insecure.

Strange thing, most pastors don't know how insecure they are. They'd like to think that they're strong, but they don't know how weak they are.

We feel almost invincible behind the pulpit, but when we step down, we're weak. We're hurt when church members criticize us. We wonder what people are saying about us.

You'll say, "You shouldn't worry about what people say." I wish it were that easy. And I'm sure some pastors don't have that problem. But most do. And it's very difficult.

I'm not even talking about being a "people pleaser" (hate that term). I'm not talking about running a ministry so that people won't complain. If you're doing things right and by the Word, people will complain.

No, I'm just talking about having a tender heart as a pastor. One where there's always two or three people who don't like anything you do. They're going to hate everything you do and criticize you even if you were one of the Twelve.

People always said, "You can't let them get to you." For long periods of time, it wouldn't. But after a while, it finally would.

Your pastor is most likely strong most of the time, but even he has moments of insecurity. Build him up. Support him. Don't let him falter. Don't be someone who finds something to complain about all the time.

When you hear people complaining, ask, "Is it really something worth complaining about?" and "Do we need to bother the pastor about it?" and "Can we stop complaining and just fix the darn thing?"

Above all, pray for your pastor's heart. If you or someone in your church has a history of abrasiveness with him, fix it. Don't let it linger. Be of one mind.

Make it so when he goes to a pastor's conference and someone asks, "What's the hardest job in the world?" he replies, "It's not mine."

What I Don't Miss About Pastoring: Pastoral Pettiness

I've shared three things I really miss about pastoring. That means I can be petty now and share things I don't miss.

Speaking of being petty, I don't miss pastoral pettiness.

Most church members are oblivious to pastoral pettiness. It's something pastors only toss around amongst themselves. It's prideful, disgusting, but we do it anyway. And it can lead to a fall.

Don't get me wrong, I engaged in plenty of it myself. Lots of it. And I hated it when I did it and others did it. It takes oh so many forms.

One of the biggest forms is the inflation of numbers. When one pastor asks another pastor how many members they have at their church, get ready - because lighting may strike. The conversation goes something like this:

"Brother Bob, how many do you have in worship at Pleasant View?" (every community has a Pleasant View, by the way)

"Well, Brother Tim, we run about 200. How many do you have at Oak Grove?" (every community also has an Oak Grove)

"Well, Brother Bob, we run about 150."

Yeah. If you heard that conversation, you could guess that Brother Bob was running about 160 and Brother Tim was running about 100.  It's a good rule of thumb that you can subtract anywhere from 20-40% of whatever number the pastor is pitching you. 

I'm not saying the pastor is attempting dishonesty. I believe he wants his church that big. And his church may have run that number last Easter or high attendance Sunday. He may actually look out and see that many people in his church. But his pride (my pride at one time) makes us inflate those numbers.

To be fair, not all pastors do it. But when we do . . . it's petty.

Another petty thing we do is fall back on our education as some sort of badge of pride. I was horribly guilty of this. I was so proud of my seminary education.

On the one hand, you should be proud of your education. But it's not everything. If anything, it should humble you. A lot of pastors use it to end arguments or shut people up. For instance (and this is just and example, not a theological point, so don't make any comments):

Church member A says, "Bro. Anderson, in your sermon last Sunday, I know you were going on about the Olivet Discourse. I liked what you preached. I'm just curious, though, and I really don't know, but Jesus said 'this generation will not pass away until all these things take place.' But you acted like those things still have yet to happen. I'm not disagreeing, I'm just confused."

Bro. Anderson, "Well, I understand your confusion. Did you listen to the sermon? Go listen again. Jesus was talking about the generation who saw those things."

Church member A, "Well, I got that, but when 'this generation' is used elsewhere, he means the generation he's talking to . . ."

Bro. Anderson, "Well, I don't know who you've been talking to or what you've been reading, but I have a seminary degree . . ."

And so on. Yeah, I've done that. Ashamed of it. Because it's petty.

There's another level of pettiness that exists. And this one is two-fold. Pastors who start at small churches then get a little bit of the big head around other pastors who still serve at small churches. They act like they're a "little better" than other pastors because they've gone "big time." Yeah, it happens.

Guess what though? It goes both ways. Those of us who were bi-vocational, working the rural scene got a little angry (dare we say, jealous? heavens no!) about those guys and scorned them behind their backs when we should have been praying for them. Yeah, that happens too. We're sitting there wondering, "Why didn't God promote me?" (Maybe it was our attitudes . . .)

I'm trying to say a few of things but I'm not sure it's coming out too clear. First, pastors are people. We have petty issues, petty jealousy of each other, petty problems, and think petty thoughts. We sin petty sins. And it's sinful. Ridiculous. We ought to be above it, but sometimes, we're just not.

Secondly, we're weak. Just like the rest of the world. And without guarding ourselves and coming together as men of God, we're liable to fall.

Thirdly, there aren't many people pastors can confide in. We can't talk to church members because they don't understand. We usually don't talk to counselors. We find it hard sometimes to talk to spouses. And as you can tell, we rarely talk to one another.

So usually, the job of pastor is very lonely. Please pray for your pastor. Say something nice to him.

It might make his day, and it might make a difference.

What I Miss About Pastoring: Preaching

Thought I'd write a few posts about what I miss most (and least) about pastoring. I'm not sure who it'll help or if it will give insight to congregations about what their pastor goes through.

A quick disclaimer - don't take me to say that I regret my current life. If you're a regular reader, you know I'm repentant of my sin. But I can tell you that God does love me and has blessed me with good things. Love my wife, love my little section of the world.

I do miss preaching. In fact, when I talk to active pastors, that's one of their first questions - "I bet you miss preaching, huh?" I just want to say, "Would you miss oxygen if someone held you under water for two minutes?"

There is just something about spending that time in the Word the week before (not the night before), opening it up in preparation for an expository message, digging for hermeneutical treasure, looking for the author's intended meaning, then relating that to your church.

Of course, you'll occasionally mess it up. But the joy that comes from preaching that Word is impossible to relate to someone who hasn't been called to to it. And you know you'll never get them to love that passage as you've loved that passage during the week. You'll never get them to see every beautiful jot and tittle of it, but your heart explodes with passion about God's Word during your time behind that pulpit.

And the joy you feel when you see the face of a church member (hopefully members) in the crowd when then have that look of discovery moment (or the "oh, now I get it" look) while you're preaching. Because during the week, you understood something beautiful about the passage and now you were able to relate it to them.

And even more beautiful is when God moves upon a person by His Word and convicts them, leading them in His way. Not because of you, but because of Him.

Those moments are irreplaceable.

I've preached since my fall and hope to supply again in the future. To tell the story of the grace He has shown me and His forgiveness. It brings me joy. I would love to supply every Sunday if God sees fit to let me use the gifts He gave me.

To church members, I would say remember that your pastor has been spending hours preparing his sermon. He has prayed over it, studied it, gotten frustrated over it, and sometimes cried over it. You may walk out of the service saying, "Well, I didn't get anything out of that," but what exactly did you put into it? Pray for your pastor during the week as he prepares. Pray for your own heart to be touched by God's Word.

To pastors, I pray you will fight temptation, stay strong in the Word, and do not neglect your own private devotional time as I did. Don't let the distractions of meetings, committees, and complaints push you away from the most important thing you do.

To everyone else, find a pastor who preaches the Word. Without fail. A man who would die for his convictions. Who knows what he stands for. Who understands the righteousness of Christ and lives it out. But remember he is a human.

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 7: So How Do We Reconcile?

Yeah, part seven. I've been stringing it out a little, but I hope it's been helpful.

I want churches to want to reconcile with their former fallen pastors. For the glory of our King. So that we might be reconciled to one another. So that no one is left behind, forgotten, or isolated in their sin.

So how do you approach a pastor who hurt you long ago? It's not easy. There's no easy way to do it and the path I'm suggesting is not fool proof.

1. Have your church leadership pray. There is no substitute for prayer, especially among the church leadership. And typically, where the church leadership go, the membership will follow. Typically.

2. Know that you're going for the right reasons. I've mentioned it before but don't go to fight old battles, settle old scores or make you feel better about yourself. This is about coming together with another child of God, fallen as we are, recognizing that we all sin, and loving each other as God loves us.

3. Go with a Philippians 2:3 spirit - Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (ESV) Love the fallen one you seek out. Only by knowing that we are less than those we are attempting to love do we ever begin to understand what Christ did for us.

Christ left the heavenly realm, lowered Himself and gave Himself for us. How can we ever esteem ourselves better than any other person on this earth when the most perfect being in the universe made Himself worse than us?

4. Find him and go. Should you call? Probably not. Listen, most people in the church don't ever give a passing thought to what this man has done. But he thinks about it every day. Guarantee it. Church members forget until it gets brought up in conversation once a year. But he will never forget it. Every day he will be reminded of his transgression. It was his calling, his life. And he needs closure. Forgiveness. Just go. Show up. 

5. This may sound awful, but lower your expectations. That doesn't mean expect the worst. It means put it in God's hands. Don't expect a Disney ending. Or Fireproof. Or any of those ridiculous low-budget Christian movies with unrealistic endings.

Instead, expect a man to be at the door who has been changed and challenged by a long life of unforgiveness. Don't expect an immediate miracle. Just be ready to love. And be humble.

6. I would suggest you be ready to be the first with something so say. And that something be along the lines of, "We love you, we want you to know we're sorry that things have gone this long and this far like they have. What will it take to reconcile?" Be ready to listen. When I say listen, I mean listen.

There's a great line in the movie "Fight Club." The main character is speaking to another character about how people don't ever listen to you. He says, "When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you instead of just . . ." and she finishes his line by saying, "instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?"

When you visit your former pastor, listen. Don't just wait for your turn to speak. Listen to his travails. His heartaches. If he even opens up to you. It may take more than one visit. You may have to invite him out to lunch. But listen. That's how you reach out. That's what Christ did. He listened.

Hopefully this will open the lines of communication so you may listen to one another and heal.

7. Make your church ready to openly and publicly forgive. Your current pastor may not know the whole story. Tell him from whatever angle he needs to know. I took a class at the SBC headquarters once - it's called the Transitional Pastor course.  I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to be an effective interim.

Anyway, one of the roles of the transitional pastor is to help the church get over past hurts, even the hurt of a recent pastor. The class I took recommended making a timeline of the events of the church and putting blue post-it notes for bad events and yellow post-it notes for positive events.

Church members could all put as many post-its on the timeline for as many events as they could remember in the life of the church. However, only the positive events were shared out loud. At the end of the sharing time, all of the events were taken off and the transitional pastor said, "What is the future Christ has for us?"

The current church, with its current pastor, has to prepare for contacting its past pastor. Old wounds will reopen. However, that also means that resolution to those wounds will come. Old pains may come to an end. Even if the old pastor spits in your face, you tried as Scripture asked you to try. And a new beginning will come.

8. Don't give up after one try. You may get a teary eyed former pastor your first visit who embraces you. Good for you. You may get resistance. Don't give up. Let me ask you this - if it were you who were in trouble, would you want people giving up on you? Even if you go again, keep praying. It is God who will work on his soul and heart. And don't gossip. It's between you and him.

9. If all works out, rejoice. All of the glory belongs to God. It should have happened long ago. We are called to reconcile quickly and bring the weaker brother in when he falls. However, if you are able to reconcile, don't sit on it. Tell others quickly. Tell other churches whose pastors have fallen. Don't let them stay unreconciled with their former pastors. Let us quickly reconcile with one another.

I write this blog and these things to you so that you and your former pastor may have the hope of reconciliation. I write these things hoping that Angel Falls will one day have a relationship with me. The same relationship we had before? No. But one at least of Christian love, brotherhood, and of struggle side by side, and not against one another, in this world.

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 6: A Victory For The Enemy?

You've decided that approaching and reconciling with your pastor who fell years ago is the right thing to do.  Guess what? You're right.

But you're also in the minority. I've discovered that in the 20% (a percentage I made up for this blog post) of churches that reconcile with their pastors, most of the time, it's the pastor who approaches the church (another stat I made up).

I made those stats up out of observation. Unfortunately, most of the time, churches and fallen pastors do not reconcile. Why? Because after the hurt and pain that is left behind, both sides decide that it's in their best interest that the problems are best ignored and life just goes on. But that is not a Scriptural ideal at all, is it? You know it's not and I don't have to throw Bible verses in your face to prove it. And to not insult your intelligence, I won't.

After these past few months of talking to what I believe to be well-meaning Christians, it is my belief that most "Christians" in the pews would rather hang adulterous pastors out to dry than forgive them. 

Don't believe me?  I recently joined FaithWriters.com and found an article by a writer who was rather opinionated. Her opinion wasn't isolated either. Feel free to peruse her entire summary of what should happen to pastors who sin. I have no judgment for her, but I hurt for her. She has been hurt by a pastor, or a husband like me. A man who did not repent or approach her with a repentant attitude. She may have been injured in her walk forever, but I hope not. I hope that she may learn to forgive, despite whatever experience she may have been through.

Listen closely, reader . . . the injured in this battle are not just pastors (even though many of us fallen pastors would like to think so). They are the wives, the church members, the families, the people who were attending who were lost and left, and the unbelieving members of the community who take the time to laugh at the church for our hypocrisy. All the while the powers of darkness enjoy watching us fight and quarrel amongst ourselves as we wallow in our inability to forgive one another even though our Savior commands it.

There is something wrong here. It begins with me. It begins with my sin. But it continues with me. But it continues with all of us - me and my church when we cannot reconcile. You and your church - you and your fallen pastor when you cannot reconcile with your fallen pastor.  

It is a victory for the powers of darkness. How long will you continue to let it be a victory for them?

We cannot continue to let ourselves to be mired down in a lack of forgiveness. We cannot let petty thoughts and hurt keep us from reconciliation. Does it hurt? Yes. Did a pastor hurt us? Yes. Did a man of God let us down? Absolutely. But people will let us down every day.  

David let the whole nation of Israel down, but he repented and God forgave Him. Was David ever the same after that? No, but he led. He moved forward. I'm not asking you to let your pastor, worship leader, youth leader, whomever into a position of trust. I'm not asking you to let this person back into the same place where they were before.

What I am asking is that you do what Christ did in John 8. The Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery and threw her before Christ. He did not condemn her. He did not judge her, but he had the right. He stood between her and every single rock these people had.

He showed compassion. Just like he would show compassion for you if you ever needed it in your life. He did not condone her sin, he did not excuse her sin. He just showed love.

Love. The greatest emotion, the greatest action ever in the history of humanity. One that breaks down all walls, all barriers. It says, "I don't necessarily approve of what you did, but I love the person God made you to be. I love the fact that God made you and He made you for a reason. I don't hate you, and you are going through a tough time and I am your friend, just as Christ is your friend."

It does not mean you approve of anyone's sin. It does not mean you love anyone's sin. But it opens the door to helping so many. And it is the exact opposite of judging. What Christ told us not to do.

Last time I blogged that I went to a funeral of a former church member. Many of my former church members stared at me, in judgment. I don't think they even realized they were doing it. Judging is embedded in us. It used to be embedded in me. In some way it still is. Not like it was.

When we open our hearts to how Christ reacted and loved people - how He - on that cross said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" . . . do we understand that? Those people had whipped him, beaten him, spit on him, driven nails into his hands, and yet He did not hold them responsible.

Yet, for some reason, we lash out at those who sin against us for the smallest things. Friends, it is time to forgive. It is time to make calls. It is time to call parents before they die. It is time to call fallen pastors. It is time to call lost friends. It is time to reconcile with Christians we have petty arguments with. The world is watching. The enemy is laughing.

What will we do?

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 5: Reconciling An Old Wound

What do you do when the pastor in question fell some time ago and you may want to reach out to him now?

Do it. The longer time goes on, the harder you will find it to reach out and heal that wound.

There are many variables involved and I'm sure I'll miss some. But know this - it's not a perfect process. It just matters that you do it with the right spirit and attitude.

Whether the break between your church and fallen pastor was one year, ten or 20 years ago, wounds will be reopened. That's natural.

In my last post I discussed why churches and fallen pastors should reconcile. But the how isn't quite as easy, especially when a lot of time has passed.

Before you go, get your motives right. Go with an Ephesians 4:1-3 attitude: "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (ESV)

Go to your former pastor out of love - NOT to settle the matter, not to fight, not to dredge up the past, not to hash out what went wrong, but to love and be reasonable.

Let me say something very important about fallen pastors. Don't always expect a miraculous response. You may not know where he went after the fall. He may be doing well. He may be doing very miserably. He may have moved on or he may have become a very bitter, cynical man. He may welcome your contact or he may question your motives.

It may be that he does not respond well to your coming at first. But it may be that your initial approach is what God uses to begin to work in your former pastor's life to renew his spirit as well.

You may be tempted to think, "Well, he's the one who sinned." That's right. He is. And every day since, he has paid for it. Through public scorn. Through the scorn of fellow pastors. But worse, he has beaten himself up for it.

Some think he deserves it, but Christians, he does not. He deserves the grace and love of Christ every bit as much as you do. His sin hurt you to the core, but Christ covered his sin at Calvary just as He covered yours. I can almost guarantee that your former pastor craves the forgiveness of God and your public forgiveness like you can't imagine.

Trust me. I know.

It may be that since his fall, he has said or done things that make him look like an unbeliever. He may have acted like a complete fool or done things you dislike. To this, I say, if it were you who had acted as such during his tenure as pastor, he likely would have chased after you in love. And if that was not his character, the Christ would have pursued you. And we are to be like Christ, after all.

What I'm proposing - reconciliation with a fallen pastor - the man who hurt you, your family, his family, embarrassed your church before the community, is not an easy thing. But ultimately it is very Christlike. Christ pursued us and bore the wrath of our sin and asks us to forgive likewise.

I'd like to propose to you a plan for reaching out to your former pastor. First, remember this. Your church put together a pulpit committee, selection committee or whatever your denomination does. That committee, under the divine guidance (hopefully) of God called that man to be pastor.

Your church voted, probably overwhelmingly and he served your local fellowship. God does not make mistakes. However, people do. At the same time, we know from Romans 8 that God is sovereign in all things. We also know that He is not the author of sin, but He works all things together for His glory.

Your pastor fell, for whatever reason, and despite what you believe about God's sovereignty, God had called this man to your church.

the fall of a pastor is devastating. It can destroy a man. You've seen the way the national media drags nationally known pastors through the mud for adultery. When it happens in the local church it happens on a smaller scale.

One would think this would be the time for Christians to surround a fallen Christian in love and mercy. But too often, the fallen pastor is scorned and run out of town on a rail. Why? Because he has harmed the church.

A pastor friend told me once the church acts like a scorned woman when a pastor falls. That comment is dead on. I don't blame the church for this. It is understandable. However, there needs to be a race at some point to move beyond hurt and reconcile.

That does not mean that the hurt is not still there. That does not mean that the relationship between church and fallen pastor is the same. It simply means that we are able to forgive as Christ forgave us.

In my next post, I'll give some specific guidelines on how to do exactly that.

Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 1: Before Your Pastor Falls

I was perusing my Google statistics the other day and was examining what people were searching for. It interested me and shamed me at the same time.

"How to minister to a fallen pastor"

"Reconciling with a fallen pastor"

"After a pastor falls, how do you forgive him"

"What to say to a fallen pastor"

I've been writing this blog for almost a year and haven't hardly covered any of these topics directly. Maybe I wasn't ready to give advice in these matters. Maybe I was still too bitter or angry to attempt to advise church members in these areas. I've written on common characteristics of a fallen pastor and forgiveness, but not how to help the fallen pastor.

Now, I believe I am ready to give advice to those whose pastors have fallen morally.

I can guarantee you that there is a plethora of experts out there with PhDs who are certified to give you better advice. But they are not fallen pastors. I am. I can tell you as a fallen pastor, who has spoken with other fallen pastors what I needed to hear. What would have helped me or what I would have listened to.

I can't break it all down in one post either. And I can't really make it into a system that you can apply in one simple way. It may not work every time. Each fallen pastor's heart is different. You are different. Each church member reacts differently to their fallen pastor. All I can do is give you a guideline to follow.

The best thing to remember is that we're all human. Faulty. And your pastor, fallen or not, is a sinner. If he has already fallen, remember that he is human and exposed. And one day, you may be where he is.

I want to tell you what to do before your pastor falls.

Let me tell you about me for a moment. This isn't self-aggrandizing. Two years before my fall, I was named pastor of the year in our association. Big deal. However, I was a pastor on the rise. My church loved me. Despite our small issues, I was seen as invincible. We had programs that were great, we were growing fast and we had a lot to be proud of.

No pastor is untouchable. I've had conversations with just about every pastor I know who has told me that he has been approached by women for sex. No joke. That wasn't the case for me and Cynthia. Our love was born out of respect and need. However, I know many pastors of large churches who have been approached by "groupies."

In seminary, we were told that upwards of 65% of pastors struggle with pornography. I think that number is much higher. At one point in my ministry, I struggled with it as well. I confessed it at one point to Angelica and overcame it. Why do pastors struggle with it? Many times, pastors give and give and give, and never receive. Pornography is an easy take. It is a cheap way to receive.

Pastors spend the vast majority of their week giving out of their time and energy. Do you remember the last time you asked your pastor for something? Of course. But do you remember the last time you asked your pastor when you could do something for him? When you sent him a card? Or encouraged him? And I'm not talking about saying, "good sermon." A sincere, "Did you know that you changed my life? And here's how you did it ____________."

Pastors struggle. Bad. They fight the good fight all week. Praying, visiting, doing what they need to do for the church when the members aren't even thinking about the church. And when Sunday comes, people show up and start complaining about what isn't being done right. Or they complain about this and that. It's disheartening.

When was the last time you said something nice to the pastor's wife? Or his children? They need love. So much. When was the last time you said, "Pastor, let me watch your children so you and your wife can go out on a DATE." A date. Did you know that a large number of pastors and their wives aren't as happy as they seem? I'm not saying that because I couldn't keep my marriage together. It's the truth.

I'm saying that because I know many pastors NOW who are miserable in their marriages. They are struggling to find time for their wives and children. Do you love your pastor and his family? Give him and his family your time. Better yet, make sure your pastor and his family have at least three weeks off PAID vacation every year. Yeah, I said it. Pay for them to go to Disney every year.

Make sure that the spiritual leader of your community can clear his head and go. If someone in the church dies or gets sick while he's gone - don't tell him. Don't call him. Let him and his family go.

If your pastor is any kind of man at all, he'll be so worried about the church that he'll insist that you tell him. Don't. Send him once a year on a cruise with his wife.

This is how you save your pastor and his marriage. This is how you love him and his family. This is how you let him breathe. Don't let him bury himself in "work." He needs love and attention from his congregation. Don't let him worry himself sick over details. Let him be a man.

Ironically, my former mother-in-law had a bumper sticker that said, "Pray For Your Pastor."

I'm not sure Angelica prayed for me daily. Even if she did, it's not her fault that everything fell apart.

I'll tell you this, though. Whether your church is 10 members or 1,000 members, if all of your people pray for your pastor daily, hold him accountable lovingly, you will have done all you can to keep him from sin.

The New Guy

I got a call the other day from a pastor friend of mine who told me that Angel Falls has finally called a new pastor. Almost a year and a half after my fall, they've finally filled the pulpit.

He gave me the details and told me the guy had some pastoral experience and came from a local church pastored by a mutual friend of ours, Andy. I called Andy and asked about the new guy. He said the new guy's name was Adam, he had a little experience and was very Reformed.

I told Andy that I was just calling because Angel Falls will always be close to my heart and I wanted the best for them. I told him that if Adam ever wanted to call me and talk, he was more than welcome. I didn't expect a call.

The next day, Adam called and we set up lunch.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I did know that I wasn't going to say a bad thing about Angel Falls. What could I say? I had fallen, sinned, and it was my own fault. During my time there, most of the people had been kind and generous. I wasn't nervous about the meeting but I didn't want to slant his opinion about the church either. I talked about it with Cynthia and we agreed I'd let him do the talking.

We met at an O'Charley's in Montross and he was friendly right off the bat. We exchanged seminary stories and he started asking questions. Was the church open to change? What was the community like? How did the deacons operate? What was Sunday School like?

We finally got around to my sin and I gave him the 20 second version. I fell, I hurt them, had spoken with four people since then and hoped he could help them heal.

The best part of lunch was that he never passed judgment on me. In fact, he told me that during the pulpit committee meeting, they asked him about how he would relate to female members of the congregation. He said he answered them like this: "Listen, I'll answer your question, but this isn't going to be about what happened in the past. This is about me and you. People sin. You sin. I sin. We lie, cheat, and we steal. Let's not make this about what happened and how you got hurt. Let's make this about the future."

I liked that answer. Pulpit committees too often ask the candidates questions that relate to the previous pastor's problems. They shouldn't. But I also understand why they do.

At the end I said, "Adam, let me tell you what I wish someone had told me. They're good people at Angel Falls. There are a few, like at any church who will drive you nuts. For the most part, they want to love you. Let them. Give to them and they'll give back. Let the deacons mentor you. Let them handle the small issues so you can concentrate on the Word. And most importantly, be yourself. Don't let people get you down."

I think Adam is going to be okay. He's a little younger than I am. He has a great deacon body to mentor him. His theology is good, he's energetic, and has a plan. He loves the Lord.

In all, I want what's best for Angel Falls.

He said, "You're more than welcome to come visit the church anytime." I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Adam, I appreciate it, but there are still a few there that want to punch my lights out."

He said with a sly smile, "Then maybe I should preach a series on forgiveness. Better yet, I'll have you come preach supply and you can do it."

I'll give him one thing. He's got a sense of humor. He's gonna need it.