Epilogue - "Series Finale"

I was so angry with the way LOST ended last night that I figured I'd write up my own epilogue to my own story. That doesn't mean I'm done with my blog, by any means. I have a lot of back story to write and tales to tell. But I do want to tell you how all of this has ended up.

If you haven't read the story, please read it. It'll take some time, but I hope you find it worth it.

As of today, Angelica is dating again. She called me two months ago and said she forgave me for my sin. Two weeks later, she called me and said she was seeing someone. Good for her. It didn't take her long, I suppose, but it didn't take me long either, did it? I pray for her that her life is lived out to its fullest. For her and my daughter's sake.

I'm paying her more child support and alimony that the state ever required - and I don't say that to brag. I say that so that you dead beat dads out there will hear this: Paying child support should be an HONOR. It's not a duty or a responsibility. It's an honor. They are your children. Get on the stick. Take care of them and love them. Paying money is just one way to do it. I don't care if you feel like it or not. I don't care if your wife remarries or not. Take care of your kids. Money is temporary. Give them your love and attention too.

If you ever get a raise or a new job that pays you more, self-report yourself to the state and pay more child support. Yeah, it's more money out of your pocket, but it's for your kids. It doesn't matter what your ex-wife does with it. That's her problem. It's for your kids. They're a treasure and deserve your best. Always. When you do the right thing - or make an attempt to do the right thing - you can stand up as a man and be proud of it.

Angelica and I are getting along better today than we ever did as a married couple. I hear divorced couples say that on occasion. We have a great agreement about seeing the kids. She drops them off here when she has to work or when she needs child care for them. I'm glad we have that type of arrangement. She's moved on. I've moved on. Thank God for His grace.

Will she ever get over the hurt I caused her? Probably not 100%. But at least we're in a place where we can talk. Where we can have some sort of relationship that is good for the kids. And I thank God for that.

Angel Falls isn't much different. I wish it was. I posted a quote recently that the church acts like a scorned wife when the pastor leaves because of moral failure. After talking to other fallen pastors, I've realized this is the gospel truth. I hurt a lot of people, all at once. I wish there was something I could do to salve that quickly, but there's not.

I wrote a letter a couple of months ago to each individual member. I got one response back which was positive. I understand if I ever get another response back, it will take time.

The one serious problem I have is with Phillip Townsend, the head deacon. He did respond in a way that was unscriptural. Who am I to throw stones? No one. I lied to them, cheated on my wife and made them look stupid. He told me on several occasions I was like a son to him. As soon as I told him what I had done, he told me to never come back and threatened to kick the s*** out of me. I had hoped that he would have at least reached out to me as a man.

To be honest with you, I'm in the process of writing him a letter and plan to mail it this week. I had a terrible relationship with my own father, and in a lot of ways, he was like a father to me. Pray for things to go well. I'm doing the best I can. I tore down a lot of relationships with my sin and I'm trying. It's not easy when we sin. It's even harder to try to get people to understand that we're trying to do the right thing after we sin.

My kids are doing wonderful. They still ask questions on occasion about the whole thing and I answer them honestly. I think one of the best things we can do is let our kids know that their parents aren't perfect. My girls are "daddy's girls." They love on me a lot. We spend quality time together at home, outdoors, and at church.

I tell them bedtime stories, play games with them, cook them meals, and love on them every second I can. I talk to them every day on the phone I don't get to see them. They are precious to me. Even though my sin created an interrupted relationship, they don't act like it. They treat me like daddy every day they see me. And I thank God for that.

Cynthia's daughter and I get along great too. She's a lot younger than my girls. She's adjusted well. She loves my girls and loves playing with them. She's got a lot of spirit. Cynthia has told me how she has clung to me like she's never really clung to another adult before. I love that.

What about me and Cynthia? We're in love. I've never known another soul like her. We have our days where we rub each other the wrong way, but by the end of the day, we understand each other, but those days are far and few between. I love her. I would die for her. I'm not ashamed of the love I give to her and she's not ashamed of the love she gives to me.

I've never had anyone understand my anxiety like she does. I've never had anyone understand me like she does at all. It's like I've known her for years.

Do you understand what we've been through? You can only relate to what I've written, but we had to live it. We sinned together, I was thrown out of my house and my church, we had insults thrown at us, I was hunted down, scorned publicly, hated by members of the community, have gone through severe bouts of depression, questioned God, searched for churches that would have us, been emotionally drained, and had severe relationship crises with countless people.

I don't say those things to garner pity. I don't want pity. Some of those things I deserved.

I say those things in awe of Cynthia. Despite my sin and the consequences of it, she stood by me. She saw me at my worst. And we didn't stay together because we had nowhere else to go. We stayed together because we loved each other. Because in each other we found something we had never had before.

Was that love borne out of the result of the violation of God's law? Absolutely. I will never, ever condone adultery. And if I had to do it all over again, I would have done it differently. God does not condone divorce or adultery. And I grieved Him. I broke up my marriage. I was selfish and hurt a lot of people.

But I can tell you that right now, I am the happiest I have ever been. I love my wife, Cynthia. She loves me.

Part of writing this blog has been trying to reconcile those two things. The providence of God and the free will of man.

But I can't reconcile it.

I do know this - God can make a beautiful thing out of my horrible mess. I don't know how He did it. I also know on judgment day, He's going to tell me how I messed up. And I can tell you that if you're thinking about committing adultery, don't do it. It's wrong. It's not the answer for your marriage woes. But I also know that on judgment day, He'll look at me, look at His Son and say, "you are forgiven."

But I don't deserve it. Any of it. And I'll weep.

Here is where I am today in a nutshell and what I have learned:

I'm a fallen pastor. I'm not proud of my sin. I take responsibility for what I did. I am where I am today because I'm a weak, fallen sinner.

However, I'm happy with my life today. I'm trying everyday to do what is right in the sight of God. Isn't that all we can do?

I've made some poor choices and some decent ones. In the midst of life, sometimes we're given the choice between two things - one bad choice and one worse choice. I'm not saying it's like that all the time, but it is sometimes. We live in a fallen world. And we are fallen people.

The good news is that we have a redeemer who has not turned his back on us. He loves us more than our sin can ever reach. He loves us more than we can ever imagine. We can't push ourselves down into a pit of depression that he can't find us. We can't outsin his grace. We can't outrun him, because he will pursue us.

Before my fall, none of my seminary training ever taught me about how wonderful and majestic our God truly is. Now, through practical living, I know.

I was telling someone tonight that I hope my worst mistakes are behind me. I pray that my self-righteous pride is a thing of the past. I pray that I've learned enough to help others and to now look somewhere besides myself for the answers.

God has been good to me. Better than I deserve.

Providence And Depression

Depression is an awful thing.

Those who have never experienced it cannot identify.

Those who have seen loved ones go through it have had a taste of it. I watched my mother endure a lifetime of horrible depression. It wasn't until my college years that I learned that I was suffering from it.

It's interesting to hear people who don't understand depression give you their cures for it. I was corresponding today with a friend who suffers from it. Those who don't know about depression say things that don't really help much because they don't understand it.

"If you had more faith, you'd get better."

"Just snap out of it. Think of what you have."

"It's all in your head."

"You don't have any reason to be depressed."

Friends, we could argue about clinical depression until the cows came home. Some people suffer from depression and others don't. There are chemical triggers that bring some down into the pits of despair and you can't describe. It's like being lost in a world that you wouldn't want to be in. Nothing makes you happy. Nothing could bring you out of it.

It's a realm that can't be described. Nothing can make you happy. You can't pray yourself out of it. You can't pull yourself out of it. If you could, you would. It's a deep, dank, dark, horrible place that you don't want to be in. You want to pull yourself out of the hole. You know there's a world out there to participate in and live in. You want to be happy and free, but you can't do anything about it.

It's a horrible existence.

That's where I've been the last two weeks. I've been here before. Right after my adultery got discovered. And at other times in life. I don't know what has brought this recent bout of depression on but it's very real and very hard.

Cynthia has been very good to me. She's helping me through it. I'm medicated for anxiety but the depression is tough to deal with.

I've blogged before about my theological difficulties with providence. I was/am a Calvinist. I honestly don't know where I am now. You know that if you've read this blog.

I caught hell from commenters over my David and Bathsheba posts. And on some level, I should have. I wasn't trying to make a deep point on those, but I was trying to make sense about God's providence. I didn't communicate it well, that's for darn sure.

Let me explain it another way, and please, if you've been hard on me in the past, feel free to keep being hard on me. But at least listen to what I'm trying to say. Everyone has a theological background. None of us can escape our worldview. We all think a certain way because that's the way we were raised. It's the way we were taught. It's the way we think because someone told us it was the truth. Do we ever really stop to ask ourselves if we really know the truth? Whether what we think is true or not?

One pastor friend I have, who is a Calvinist (maybe a hyper-Calvinist, I don't know) would tell me that every single motion we make is pre-ordained by God. Once, during lunch, I poked him with my fork and asked him, "was me poking you on the arm with my fork preordained by God?" He said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Then was my adultery preordained?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "But my adultery was my own fault and my own responsibility. I was fully culpable for it, right?"

He said, "Yes, it's the mystery of God."

Alright.

Then I have another friend who is a Calvinist. Of sorts. He says that God's sovereign election only pertains to His choices in matters of salvation. Anything else is a matter of our free choice. Great.

That's what prompted me to write those blogs about David and Bathsheba. That's what was at the heart of them. If David hadn't have sinned, we wouldn't have had Solomon. Bathsheba is mentioned as being in the lineage of Christ. Does that make David's sin permissible? Absolutely NOT! Was Solomon God's Plan B? No. I don't believe that either. God is a sovereign God who has had a plan since the beginning.

I hear what you're thinking. God's plans are unknowable. It's useless for us to pry into the secret things of God. Please don't hear me trying to blame God for my sin either. I'm not. I'm the vile sinner who violated God's law. I am.

But how does it all fit together? I have no idea. But it keeps me up at night. Too much seminary education.

But something else has happened to me with my depression in the past two weeks to let me know God is at work. I've wanted to absolutely drop off the face of the earth in the last three days. I've thought that the world would be better off without me. I have wept, I have cried, I have wanted to be erased. I can't explain where the depression has come from or what triggered it, but it is very real.

But so is my God.

Today and yesterday, He responded. Despite my lack of theology and understanding, He responded through people.

First, He responded through my beautiful wife, Cynthia. She was there for me. She understood my grief, depression and sorrow. She just listened. She wrapped her arms around me and held me. She comforted me and prayed for me. She reminded me that this grief and depression are temporary.

Secondly, I got a phone call from another fallen pastor I haven't heard from in a month and a half. What are the odds? He called me today to check on me. I poured out my heart to him. He has depression as well. We had only talked once before, but he said he felt the need to call me and talk to me. That's the providence and grace of God, friends.

Thirdly, another fallen pastor friend of mine emailed me and told me he was suffering from a bout of depression as well. We have shared a common experience from almost the day I have published this blog. While we have both sinned, we also recognize that God's grace is great and there is a world of redemption before us. We love each other as brothers and give each other great encouragement.

Finally, I received an email from a fallen pastor I had emailed over two months ago. I thought he had forgotten about me. He reached out to me finally. He had several things going on and reassured me he had not forgotten about emailing me. He was compassionate about my plight and was encouraging. He reminded me that God was with me and would be with me.

All of these things happened to me within a 48 hour period. A time period when I didn't know if I would make it or not. When I needed God the most. God didn't speak to me directly, but He didn't need to. He spoke through His people - fallen, broken people who the world has mostly given up on.

And you know what? Those are the people God uses. And I needed to be reminded of that. I thank God for His practical providence.

Common Traits Of The Fallen Pastor, Part 2: Anxiety And Depression

This is part two. Don't read this post without reading the disclaimers in part one. Seriously.

Many fallen pastors have a history of either anxiety or depression. In fact, take off the "fallen" label for a moment. Pastors in general have a history of anxiety or depression.

I took a class on counseling while in seminary. I heard a "statistic" while in that class. You know, one of those quick and loose statistics that you can't confirm. 60% of seminary students and pastors have been treated with mediation for depression. Again, I have no proof. Feel free to back me up on it.

I had. I'm not afraid to admit it. I have a history of both anxiety and depression.

My mother had a history of manic depression and my father had a history of anxiety. What a pair they made. And what great chances I had. Feel free to throw in my obsessive compulsiveness in there as well.

Many pastors obsess about their job. They do. They spend all week obsessing about the church and the ministry they do. What they don't realize is that the church members don't care about the church as much as they do. Pastors spend all week obsessing about the church but don't seem to realize that church members only care about the church during the hour they spend there on Sunday.

I remember a time when the church was arguing about what color carpet to get for the sanctuary. Now, that may not seem like a big deal to you. But it was for me. They would show up every Wednesday and Sunday and argue and bicker about it, then forget about it the rest of the week. But I would obsess about every little thing they said for the rest of the week. It would eat at me. I would lose sleep over it. I would toss and turn at night wondering if it would break up the church.

It was, in fact, a huge deal at the church. It shouldn't have been, but it was. The church should have been more concerned with winning people to Christ. They should have been more concerned about the spiritual condition of its own members than whether the carpet was red or brown. But they weren't. I hurt over that. But my anxiety was very high at that time.

I'll be honest. There are pastors out there who feel the same way. They want to spend more time preparing sermons and visiting the lost in the community than worrying about what color the dang carpet is in the sanctuary. But the congregational needs often override the spiritual needs of the time. It's a horrible process. And it breaks down the soul of the pastor.

And at times, it can make the pastor question his own calling. It can make him question the reality of religion itself. It will make him send out resumes, it will make him hate his own congregation (if that's okay for me to say, which it's probably not). There are people in our community who are dying without Christ and we're really worried about what color our freaking carpet is? Really? We're really arguing about that? Is carpet color that important? It really consumes that much of our time?

There were at least seven different committee meetings about it! We had forty people concerned about the carpet color when I couldn't get those same forty people concerned enough to go out and share their faith in the community! My heart was torn in two.

I would even tell them that it wasn't important for us to discuss. That carpet color had nothing to do with eternal matters. But they wouldn't hear it. It was important to them at the time. My anxiety rose. My concern for the church rose. I felt they didn't understand the difference between the eternal and temporal.

Pastors spend 24/7 worried, anxious and nervous about the church. If Deacon Bob approaches them about a problem, they obsess about it. Seriously. They think about it all week long. Deacon Bob, however, goes home and forgets about it. But the pastor thinks about it all week. He obsesses about it and can't get it off his mind. He may beat himself up over it. He may prepare a sermon over the topic even.

Pastors are very hard on themselves. They beat themselves up over their shortcomings. They are harder on themselves than any church member could ever be. That's why it's so important for church members to show support. The vast majority of pastors are perfektionsts. (Yes, I spelled it wrong on purpose.)

Yes, it's a prison. Yes, it's wrong. Yes, it's a horrible place to be.

But the majority of pastors suffer from anxiety or depression. When we preach a bad sermon, it may send us into a week of depression. When we miss an important visit, it sends us into a fit on anxiety or a panic attack.

But you know what? We don't show it. We look great on the outside because that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to have it all together. We're supposed to look good in our suit. We're supposed to have all the right things to say and know how to look good for the public.

But we're weak. And we're probably taking Paxil. Or Zoloft. Just like you.

But we'll never admit it.

Because we can't be weak.

Ever.