The Slow Redemptive Process

I don't know why, but I've been dreaming about my mother a lot lately. That, and she's been on my mind. She died in an accident a few months before my fall. She wrote a few books. It might be because I'm writing a lot lately.

It might be because I'm slipping into depression. It may just be because I miss her. Maybe it's all of those things.

God has a way of bringing hope to us when we're at our worst.

This weekend, Cynthia's daughter had a birthday.

Last year at this time, the kids we usually would have invited didn't get invited because their families were very upset with us because of my fall at Angel Falls Baptist. I can't say I blame them.

Barry, her father, who had twice committed adultery and been arrested, had a birthday party elsewhere for her. The church people had no problem attending that party. Again, I can see where they were coming from.

A year removed, things are slightly better. When I talk about those families, they are all people that Cynthia's daughter is related to by blood. When we've seen them at the grocery store, most of them ignore us, and a couple have spoken to us.

That's progress as far as I'm concerned.

Especially when I've heard fallen pastors tell me to never expect any type of reconciliation. Ever. I just don't buy it. I'm sure there will be a great number who will never want to see me or Cynthia again. But as long as I live, I simply cannot believe that it is God's will to give up on the process of reconciliation.

The week before her birthday, we got a text from one of the women who hasn't spoken to us asking what Cynthia's daughter might want for her birthday. We quickly invited them to the party. We also invited Marlee and Rich whom we had seen recently. We were hopeful and cautiously optimistic.

The day came and guess what? Everyone came. Our family and the former church members we invited. The best part? We all acted like normal human beings.

Wow.

I asked all these people, by letter, twice for forgiveness. I would love to hear from each of them, "Bro. Arthur, I forgive you."

But it's not going to happen.

But you know what can happen and what is almost just as good?

To be treated like a human and not a fallen pastor. To be looked in the eye again (which most of them did). To be talked to like I'm just another sinner trying to make it in the world.

To have what happened Saturday. To talk about sports, kids, the weather, family, and nothing in particular.

For them to just take a few minutes to see that a pastor who commits adultery doesn't turn into the Antichrist. If anything, it's possible he becomes more human and more humble than he was before.

To me, that will pave the road to a new relationship. That will be just as good as, "I forgive you."

I hate it when I'm crying after I write a post.

A Day In The Life

I write a lot about the trials I've been through and the mistakes I've made. I write about the effects those things have had on my life and hope it has helped others.

I write under a pseudonym to protect those I've harmed, my kids and just because I don't need the publicity in this area, frankly. It's a sensitive thing when a pastor falls and I've written about a lot of sensitive issues pertaining to my fall. Thanks for understanding that.

For one post, I'm going to step outside of all that and let you know what I do in a typical day without divulging too much information. As if you cared, really. I'm just a normal guy trying to make it in this lovely world.

It'll be kind of a mundane post. Maybe.

Cynthia wakes up early because she works early. Sometimes I get up and see her off, sometimes she lets me sleep in. But she always wakes me with a sweet kiss before she leaves.

When I rouse from my slumber, I call Cynthia at work then get some caffeine and take my daily medicine. I check my email on my iPhone then I go straight to the Internet to check my blog. I also check some of my favorite sites, including the news and favorite sports sites.

I don't watch TV much. Only if there's an interesting sporting event on.

If there are dishes or housework I think I can tackle, I'll do that. Sometimes, I'll ponder my blog and a topic, or I'll make some work calls.

Then, it's off to work. I've referenced that I do work in the medical field. I do. It's hands on and I love it. It's a second shift position and I work with a lot of people. I work in the community, indoors, outdoors, and come in contact with all sorts of people.

While I'm busy at work, Cynthia gets off work and heads home. We text a lot during the day and I love that. We're always finding an excuse to talk.

When I'm at work, I love to write or read. Right now, I'm reading Greg Boyd's "Repenting of Religion." I highly recommend it.

When I get bored at work, I'll make random phone calls to friends and irritate them for no reason.

Sometimes during the day, my mind wanders to my sin, or I'll miss my mom, or I'll think of sermons I'd like to preach one day. But my mind is never far from Cynthia.

Some days, work is long, depending on my schedule or the workload, and some days it's really short.

On my way home is when I pray a lot. It's a long commute on country roads and I get a lot of quiet thinking done.

Cynthia is always waiting for me with a smile and welcome home kiss. I check the Internet for an hour or so to unwind while she puts her daughter down and we unwind together.

In the evening, I always get a call or Skype from my girls and we talk for a little, unless it's my weekend to have them (and that's a different story).

I always look forward to cuddling next to my beautiful wife at night. We talk a lot, or share our worries. But she's my best friend. She's the love of my life and all I want to focus on at the end of the day.

I wait until she goes to sleep then I'll get the coffee pot ready for her for when she wakes up the next day and a lot of the time I'll make her lunch.

I don't sleep real well. I'm a night owl and wish I slept better. I average about six hours a night and wish I could do it better. But that's life, I suppose.

It's a routine, I guess. And there are what seem to be a lot of meaningless details to most people.

But to me, they're all very meaningful, God-sent, and blessed moments.

My Weird Dreams And A Hope For Reconciliation

Dreams. They're weird for me. Always have been. I don't have normal ones. Maybe you do. If you do, you're lucky.

I've got several theories about how they work and I'll get to them in a minute. Theory means that I don't have a clue why or what dreams are.

I have several recurring dreams that have nothing to do with this blog post - or do they? I dream about midgets on occasion. Or little people. Apologies if I'm using the wrong terminology. Typically, they come bearing advice or I'm having a casual conversation with them.

I dream about driving off the road a lot. I'm usually at a busy intersection and for some reason, I just let go of the wheel and the car goes off into a tree or a ditch. I either wake up, or survive the wreck and steer back onto the road.

The worst dream I ever had was when I was five. I'll never forget it. I watched from my room as Santa (who was coincidentally a midget) walked into my parents room and poisoned them with a green gas he sprayed from a garden sprayer. He did it while looking at me and smiling. Yeah, it was not good.

Lately, I've been dreaming that I'm in the right place at the right time to stop a crime. Like an accidental superhero. That's about as positive as my dreams ever get. If I'm really, really lucky, I won't dream at all.

However, ever since I committed adultery at Angel Falls which led to broken relationships with my ex-wife's family and the whole church, I've been having awful dreams. I have them just about every night. In each dream there's a church member or a member of Angelica's family. I typically dream of church members, almost always Phillip Townsend. When I first started having the dreams, I'd be arguing with them or they'd yell at me. At times, they'd stand there and stare distainfully at me.

As time has gone by, the dreams have gotten "happier", if you will. For instance, recently, I dreamed I was standing outside a grocery store renting movies from a Redbox. Up walked one of the deacons and his wife. They started talking to me with kindness. Behind them were another deacon and his wife and several other couples from church. Each couple was nice, but somewhere, deep in my heart I knew two things: One, they were shocked at running into me and didn't really like me. Two, I was ashamed of myself still and wanted to run away. So it wasn't a happy dream at all.

I've actually run into one of the deacons in my dream recently. I went out of my way to talk to him. We made small talk and it was okay. I had my girls with me. He was uncomfortable, but I felt a little better about being seen in public.

The dreams are getting old. What's my theory? I think that when we sleep, our unconscious mind works through things that our conscious mind pushes away. Sometimes, it presents them as a weird picture. Sometimes it's frightening. But our minds don't rest. I think that our minds are wanting to work free of the stress that we place on ourselves and they try to unwind at night. Is there a portion of it where God is at work? Sure, God is sovereign over all things.

So, late last week I got sick of it. That, and I got humbled after talking to the man who will probably be our new pastor. I'll blog about that later.

I made a phone call to one of Angelica's brothers. I apologized to him for what I did to her and the drama it caused to their family. I told him I knew that he had to explain it to his young children and humbled myself to him. He received it graciously. I knew I could call him because he's just like that. The other members of her family probably wouldn't answer the phone, so I wrote letters, including her parents. I told her what I was doing before I did it.

Today, I made a phone call. It was a hard phone call to make. Phillip Townsend. If you've read this blog at all, you know it was hard. I hurt Angel Falls with my sin and he didn't handle the situation well either. However, if I hadn't sinned, he wouldn't have been in that position. We have some talking to do.

I talked to his wife for a few minutes and she was kind to me. He was out and she said he'd call back. So, I'm sitting here waiting for him to call back so we can meet. All I want is to show humility to him and put this behind us. Surely, two Christian men can do that for the sake of Christ.

And then maybe these dreams will go away.